Monday, December 29, 2008

what happens after a 3 day and a 5 day transfer

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

i found this thanks to the lovely Google search engine. i'm sure it's not 100% accurate- but pretty close!!
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Sunday, December 28, 2008

IVF#2 update

12/23: ER= 14 eggs
12/25: 13 eggs= fertilized (Merry Christmas!)
12/26: pushed out to 5dt
12/27: 12 eggs= still plugging along
12/28: ET= 5dt of 2 expanding blasts
01/07: BETA

so we shall see!!!
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Monday, December 22, 2008

IVF#2 (fresh)

12/20: BW&US @ 7am = all looks well
12/21: BW&US @ 7:15am = all looks even more well
12/21: Trigger shot @ 9pm = let's get even more bloated- woot
12/23: ER @ 9am (arrive @ 8) = full bladder, mucho pain- awesomeness
12/26 or 28: 3dt or 5dt = squee!!!

so there you go- my trigger was last night, my retrieval is tomorrow morning & if all goes as it did last time: i'll have plenty of healthy eggs with will become embryos, thanks to my husband's lovely sperm, which will then be popped into my uterus, resulting in the conception of my adorable boy/girl twins.

yes? haha- one can hope...and pray!
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Sunday, December 21, 2008

snowy dog day

so we got about a foot+ of snow over the weekend. as any dog owner knows, snow or no snow- the dogs still have to go out- so here's a little recap of saturday afternoon...

"are you peeing yet?"
"not yet, are you?"
"well, let's just pee together then..."
"good idea!"
"hmmm- i'm max- i love peeing..."
"i'm cessna- i also love peeing...mainly on the kitchen floor though..."
"you all done?"
"yeah- you?"
"let'sssss GO THEN!!"
"wait for me max!!!!"
"gosh cessna- you're so slow! "
"ok- ready?"
"yeah- but i'm cold- can we go in now?"
"well i guess- the door is that way!! WOO-HOO!!!"
"hooray!!!!- come on mom & dad!!!"

and that was that! cessna HATES the snow- her poor little feet get so cold so she starts holding up her paws & wimpering & she won't move until you pick her up. it's adorable.
max on the other hand, could care less. as long as he can pee & poop on it, it's fine by him!
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Friday, December 19, 2008

ganirelix shot = ouch

ugh- the ganirelix needles are a bit bigger than the gonal-f ones- but it's usually not an issue. however, as you can see, it was this morning.
i pinched the skin & went to pop the needle in & i literally had to shooove it in. it HURT! but whatever- i stuck it in, pulled back on the plunger- no blood- and injected away. then i pulled the needle out & BOOM- bloooood. lovely. aaaanyway- after a nice big, itchy bump & a red rash- this is what is left. it hurts too. ::cries::
and i have to do it again tomorrow morning- perhaps i'll try a different tactic...
you can also see how bloated i am- it's very sexy. believe me.
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Thursday, December 18, 2008


ok- so this year consisted of me making some lovely Christmas gifts to go along with cards, gift card, presents & etc:

some yummy "trail mix" containers- i use quotations because this "trail mix" consists of a layer of each the following;

m&m's- mini oreos- granola bites- chopped Pirouette's & chocolate chunks. HA! super healthy, i know! my elfster got one- lucky her!

i also made chewy chocolate chip cookies & glazed pumpkin chocolate chip cookies & packaged them up in pretty green Ziploc™ containers. mmmm!

lastly- i got these SUPER CUTE doxie Birkies™ off of Ebay. i think they're absolutely fabulous!!!

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day 8 of stims

E2= 1,637
LH= 4.54
Follies= many mature ones
LO: 16, 15, 14x2, 13, 12.5 & 12
RO:14, 13, 12x2 & 11x2
gonal-f= 75iu thurs & fri
ganirelix= 1 pre-filled syringe fri & sat
f/u bw&us= sat @ 7a.m (cries)

so i'm sailing along rather smoothly- i will be stimming longer this cycle because i was started at much lower doses than my 1st fresh cycle- so this is good. i should trigger sometime this weekend or perhaps on monday (i'm guessing)and my ER will fall around the 23 or so(ish)


in other news- my bff at work is leaving. i should add that this bff is also my "go to girl" & my quasi "boss" she pretty much answers all my questions & listens to me bitch about everything. she's leaving us to pursue her nursing career & while i'm happy for her, who am i going to get to do all my work for me now? ::sob::
alas- perhaps i shall do it myself...ugh.

lastly: if i wanted to get high right now, i totally could. i would simply need to go stand in the stairwell for 5 minutes & take a few deep breaths.
the smell of fresh paint is intoxicating.
but i'm at work- so i shall refrain from such uncouth activities.
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

day 5 of stims

E2= 721
Follies= 2 "mature ones"
LO: 11.5
RO: 12.5
gonal-f= down to 75iu from 112.5iu
ganirelix= bring with me on thurs. because i may need to take it
f/u bw & us= thurs @ 6:45am

after 5 days of stims, everything i looking pretty good. my E2 tends to shoot up really high because i stim rather well, so my RE started me off at a pretty low dose of gonal-f- 112.5 (my first cycle had me @ 175iu or something like that) my E2 levels are already a little high, so this is why my dose is coming down to a mere 75iu for tonight & tomorrow. also after my appt on Thurs, if the ganirelix is needed that will bring my E2 down even more & will reduce the risk of OHSS.

the nurse only mentioned my mature follies- so i'm assuming i have a bunch of follies that are >10mm. by lowering my gonal-f dose, this will keep me from over-stimming & allow my non-mature follies to mature.

sooo yeah- that's that. i wish i were more excited, but it's not like my 1st cycle. don't get me wrong- i AM happy that things are progressing & that i even have this opportunity- but i'm still pretty wary. i'm also bloated, tired, crampy, headachey, grumpy & etc etc. so yeah- not the best combo.
but still- i AM thankful- very, very thankful.
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Monday, December 8, 2008

i got my "box of drugs" on friday- woooo. the receptionist is always dying to ask me what these huge boxes are- but she never does. good girl!

i went in for my supression check @ 6:30 this lovely, cold morning- jeeze- & everything looked good on the ultrasound & i'll get my bloodwork results & instructions this afternoon. i should be starting stims on thurs. or fri.

my holiday office party is on thurs- along with cessna's vet appt. to get her stiches out. i'm going to do about 1-2 hours of office party & then head on home. the husband said he'd take her- but i don't feel like sticking around at the party anyway. if i leave early then i don't have to do the yankee swap or deal with the "you're not drinking?" queries. nice.

this weekend went swimmingly- the husband was hunting all day sat so i got to run some errands & finish one of the scarves i'm knitting. then on sun we managed to go to the mall & pick up his mom's b-day gift & use t he awesome Yankee Candle coupons that i aquired from the paper- SUPER score. we also made a one stop shop deal at Shaws where we managed to snag 95% of the giftcards we need for our friends/families for Christmas. so all that's left is some baking and maybe 1 or 2 more store runs. i was pleeeeased!
then we went to his parent's for dinner & after we got home i managed to back the red velvet cake that hi work requested for b-days this month. i will frost it tonight & that's another $20 in my pocket.

hmmm- i think that's about it for now. i'm waiting, with baited breath, on the Coach coupon that is coming to me from another lovely nestie- with this coupon i shall purchase the matching wallet to my latest Coach bag! SCORE! my husband doesn't think it's a score- but i do. plus, if he can spend $700 on a freaking rifle- i can spend LESS than $200 on a wallet. so THERE!

ok- that's really that!! i'm going to work now. perhaps. meh.
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Thursday, December 4, 2008

woo-hoo!!! fresh IVF#2 is a go.

ok- so Dr. Glatstein (my RE) called yesterday & told us that he did get the fax & that we're all set to go forward! i already guessed this, but it was great to hear it from him. he asked me a couple cycle questions & then let me know that his nurse's would be calling me to give me the details for this next cycle. he wished us luck & said that they were all rooting for me- wooo!

the nurse called me a little later & told me to refill my BCP's (i took my last one last night) and take them until this coming sunday- then i go in at 6:30am (ugh) on mon for my suppression check! aaaaand then i start stimming on thurs/fri of next week!!!

yeah- i'm excited because we managed to get this squeezed in before the end of the year! i'd like to say that i'm sure this is going to work- but i'm still pretty wary of everything. we had 3 other perfect cycles that should have worked and they didn't, so why should this one? that sonds really aweful of me, but it's true. i'm not saying that i have no hope, faith, trust etc. but i also have all of the negative feelings that go along with someone who has 3 failed IVF/FET cycles.
-do i want this to work? yes! more than anything!!!
-am i sure it's going to? no. not even close. in fact, i prepare myself for the fact that it might not.

so yeah- i don't know. you can't just throw away the bitterness & be all puppies & rainbows. i did that that the first 2 times & now i just can't. but my fingers are crossed & my prayers are being said. this just HAS to work!!!
i hate to beg God for things- but i'm literally on my knees begging here. PLEASE GOD!! i know He's listening, i just don't know what His plan is. i really hope it's for us to have a baby, but what if it's not? how am i going to deal with that? can i pull it together & be like Job & trust Him 100%? i want to be able to, but it's going to be really hard for me to accept that. so i hope i can avoid all that hardship & that this is His will!! that would be nice :)

sooooo- that's about it. they didn't give me my test results for the biopsy so i'm assuming it came back clean (since he's giving the go ahead) so that's good news. i need to go buy some folic acid & more pre-natals (i've been neglecting to take those because all that extra iron really "gets" to me) and once my wheatgrass pills come in, i (and the man) can resume taking those. i was going to ask about accupuncture, but i forgot. maybe i'll mention it next week if i remember.

here are my stats:
FET#2= Ectopic
IVF#2= ?

we'll find out what that ? ='s in about 5 weeks. superness!
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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

blah blah blah

today is the husband's 29th birthday- happy birthday husband!!
he already got his present a couple weeks ago (at his own request) so i don't have to go out searching for a gift- but i do need to go home tonight & make dinner & some sort of cake. hmmm.

in other news: i'm pissed. my appt with the genetic counselor went well on friday, and she promised she would fax over the notes to my RE yesterday so that he can review them & tell me what's going on.
so i called my RE yesterday morning & asked them to give me a call to make sure they got the notes & etc. sooo i wait ALL EFFING DAY and FINALLY at 5 the nurse calls (i'm pissed because i missed her call) and says that she "waited until 5 to see if the fax would come in but it never did- maybe tomorrow?"

ummm- wtf?! why would you wait until 5!? the genetic counselor's office closed at 5 so i couldn't even call & ask them to fax it! so now i'm pissed at the genetic's office & my RE's stupid nurse because if she had called, even an hour earlier, then i could have called & gotten this taken care of! but nope- now i have to deal with it today & waste another day (literally) of our very little time. GOD! people are so dumb. so yeah- i'm going to call the genetic counselor's office as soon as they open & reem them out- then i'm going to MAKE the dr. fax the info right THEN & call me RE's nurse again. stupid. i shouldn't have to do this crap. meh.

i know i'm only this pissed because we're really pressing our luck with the whole time thing here- but still. it's not hard to stick a couple sheets of paper in a fax machine & press the button. it's also not hard to pick up a phone & let a patient know (before 5) that they haven't recieved the fax that decides your effing future. idiots.

so because of all this i went to bed really angry last night & i stayed up thinking about how angry i've been lately. i mean seriously, i'm ALWAYS angry about stuff. like, while i'm laying there i hear the dog get up and pee- but she didn't pee on the mat, she peed on the floor & then my other dog pulled his blanket out of his cage & covered up her pee with it....WHY!? why would he do that?! i just washed their shit that day!!! i was SO MAD! so i clean that up & then i got BACK into bed & i was even more livid & UGH! this is NOT healthy.

if this cycle doesn't work- i'm going to have to seek therapy- i'm serious. if i don't i'll probably kill someone. and then go to prison- and i'd totally become someone's bitch in prison- eek. gross.

but yeah- so i'm going to try & be happy today. i passed out my Christmas cards & that always makes me happy. sort of. but at 8:30 when the dr's office opens- oh boy.
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Sunday, November 30, 2008

it's snowing!!!!

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

i love twilight

the first 4 links are by the same "fan"

Twilight Trailer
New Moon Trailer
Eclipse Trailer
Breaking Dawn Teaser (Trailer)

this link is by another "fan"- i like this trailer better than the above teaser one.

Breaking Dawn Trailer (by another fan)

if this makes me a loser, than so be it. gaaaah!
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Sunday, November 23, 2008

ps: after my Coach excursion, i ended up with this:

LOVES!!! 25% off saved me $70!!! i would have bought the wallet buuut- it would have been more than the bag!! can you even believe it? sooo, i'll have to go back & buy it in a couple weeks- i MUST match when it comes to my bags/wallets. i MUST!
ok that's it. i have to go switch all my crap over from my other bag- squee!
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Saturday, November 22, 2008

twilight movie "recap"

ok- so i went & saw twilight last night- yay! it wasn't nearly as good as i had hoped but i still loved it because, well- it's twilight. der. so yeah.
i won't recap because i don't want to spoil it for anyone- but you should see it. it's a good way to spend 90 minutes or so.

hmmm- in other news, my hysteroscopy & endo. biopsy went smoothly, but VERY painfully. i mean, i have never been in so much pain- it was sickening. however it was all over in a matter of seconds so that was a relief. the hysteroscopy showed a nice. clean uterus & the biopsy results will be back in 2 weeks. we have our appt with the Genetics Counselor next week & then it should be on to stimming- wow. i honestly never thought i'd have to do a fresh cycle ever again- this sucks. i really pray this is it because it's pretty much our last chance.

well, it's saturday & the husband is off hunting so i'm going to go to Coach & use the 25% off coupon that i got from a lovely nestie (thanks mnkari!!!)
have a wonderful, freeeeezing day!
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Monday, November 17, 2008

busy busy rush rush

ok- so i'm in total "rush rush, hurry hurry" mode for the next month & a half. I let my RE know that my insurance would be ending in Jan- so he agreed that we can go ahead with a fresh cycle, but only if i see a genetic counselor to discuss the risks of a pregnancy @ 2 1/2 months instead of 3 months after a Methotrexate shot. so this is kind of what everything looks like:

11/13- start BCP for fresh IVF#2
11/19- hysteroscopy & endometrial biopsy
11/28- appt. with a Genetics Counselor (in boston- ugh)
(tentative- give or take a few days)
12/10-11ish- start stims
12/23ish- ER
12/26-29ish- ET
01/10-15ish- Beta

good Lord. basically- after the Genetics Counselor appt. we're good to go- but we have to get the ok from her. based on research i've done- 2 months is a sufficient amount of time to wait after a Metho. shot- and we'll be only 2 weeks shy of the 3 month mark- so i don't think there are any big risks here. Honestly- this is our last shot for awhile because paying OOP for IVF is really not feasible. i'm praying with everything in me that this works- seriously.
i'm not looking forward to my procedure on the 19th (i hate pain) but oh well. yikes.

so yeah- that's that. i just needed to get this all down so that i can see it "on paper"
i'm not big on all the rushing- and specially around the holidays, but it has to be done. we will do whatever we have to do to help this work.
also- i need to ask my RE about acupuncture- i'm not keen on dishing out the $$$ but if it's only a couple times, what can it hurt? yeeeesh!!!!
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

this sucks

as of 01/01/09 i will no longer have coverage for IF.
thanks to my company's merger, they've decided to go with shit insurance out of NC (a state that doesn't mandate If coverage) so that's that.

technically- my insurance will cover IF dx & treatment- but only up to $2,500 max per lifetime. um, excuse me? what the fuck is $2,500 going to cover? absolutely nothing- that's what. also there is NO coverage for IF drugs, what-so-ever. good Lord. i knew this was coming but i didn't really prepare myself for it. this sucks so bad.

sooo, now i'm trying to cram everything into this next two months. CD1 is today (sort of, it's not exactely "heavy flow" but i know it will be by tomorrow) so i called & scheduled my hysto. & endo. biop. for next wed (11/19) @ 3pm.
i also let the nurse know that my insurance is changing so i need to try & move things along- however the methotrexate shot is really biting me in the ass. technically i'm not allowed to "get pregnant" until 01/03 (3 months) but my RE said that if my insurance changed, they would "work with me"- ie: do the transfer & such before the 1st- ugh. i hate this! why should i have to rush at all?! i shouldn't! this isn't fair!

whatever- they haven't said that they're closed for the holidays so if they are, and have neglected to mention that, then i'm going to flip the fuck out. this HAS to work- and i want freaking quads so i can be done all my baby making in 1 shot. seriously.

so yeah- that's about it. i had a pretty good weekend & i was feeling pretty "ok" until today. now i'm just bummed. i was very blessed to have coverage & now that i won't anymore, i almost feel like God is saying no. why else would this happen? maybe He's punishing me for being so bitter & bitchy- i don't know! but i hate to think like that- i'm literally begging Him to make this work. i know it doesn't work that way, but i don't know what else to do. i'm already trying to figure out if there is a PT job i can get where the company provides IF coverage- doesn't Starbucks have that?! wow- i'm so desperate. this is sad. no one should have to feel this desperate.

ok that's it- i'll write about my weekend (my mother got ordained- squee!!!) & post pics later. for now i'm going to wallow in self pity.
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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

obama is our new president

i sure as hell hope he's up to the task.

i have a hard time with a president who has no military background- that's my honest opinion. i think, considering the state of this country & other countries right now, that a military background is key.

however, considering that the majority of the United States is full of hippies who want to sit & chant "NO MORE WAR!" but never stop to think about what war has gotten this country, i'm not surprised that this isn't important to them. war is war. there's nothing pretty & glamorous about it but it's a necessary evil to keep things under control. i think people forget that the very troops that go fight & die for them VOLUNTARILY signed up to do so. they're out there because they WANT TO FIGHT FOR THIS COUNTRY & IT'S PRINCIPALS! so please, shut up with your "war is bad & Bush sucks" bullshit- stop placing the blame for the state of this country on ONE man who was READILY backed by 99% of America after 9/11. just stop. the state of this country is the responsibility of it's own residents & corrupt politicians. it's not Bush's fault- my God, the man doesn't even make a quarter of the decisions & laws that are passed- he's just a scapegoat.
i'm not saying that people shouldn't mourn the loss of loved ones- or that it's completely heartbreaking when another soldier dies- but these people are dying for something they believe in- why are you going to tarnish those beliefs with rallys and hatred? if you don't beleive that what they died for is worth dying for- then they died in vain.

i'm not saying that McCain was the "answer" to all our "problems"- but i don't think Obama is either- and i'm annoyed by the fact that the man has been put on a pedestal simply because he's promised "change" and let's face it, he's black. i think that's what this comes down to- do you know how many people voted for Obama simply because he's black?! that is NOT a reason to vote for someone!!! i watched the coverage- i watched the singing & dancing of the black churches down south- i saw the interviews of people who went on & on about how "wonderful this is because he's an African American & we've been waiting for this for a long time..." i'm sorry but that is NOT why you vote for someone. i'm African American and while i do see this as an amazing example of how far our country has come- that wouldn't be a reason to vote for someone.

all in all- i guess we'll see. because i'm an American & because Obama is now my president, fair & square, i'm going to trust that what he does is going to be best for all of us. i'm going to follow his lead & "unify" just like he's asked- because that's what this country is about. we've elected the man, so now we need to stand by him & support him. it's as simple as that.

honestly- i had issues with both candidates- i'm not sure that either of them are really fit to lead, so this isn't an issue of McCain vs Obama for me- this is an issue with the God like status that Obama has been given. he's not a God. he's simply a man who said the "right" things & isn't affiliated with Bush- that's about it. so please America- stop worshiping him. if you put all your faith in him & he fails- then what? are you going to hate him like you hated Bush?

let's see how much CHANGE Obama will bring to the USA- considering that was the base of his campaign & the fact that he's basically PROMISED to "turn America around"- he'd better freaking deliver. i pray he does.

and if he doesn't- well at least i didn't vote for him.
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Sunday, November 2, 2008

halloween weekend

first things first: i finally met my newest neice! she's 4 months old and so ADORABLE!! she looks just like my brother- not at all like me though. oh well. she has the cutest dimples & her laugh is so cute- and she never cries! she's basically perfect!
look at her face- she was facinated with the dogs- haha!

awww- my younger brother tre' & jael. i just want to squeeze her cheeks!!! ahhh!
all in all it was wonderful to meet her, but still hard because i can't have one of my own. blargh- it sucks that this all has to be so bittersweet. oh well i guess- one day.
in other news- i have a lovely UTI. i just knew i felt one coming on, on friday- i figured i could ward it off by chugging cranberry juice- but to no avail. i made an appt & went in on sat. afternoon. the dr. was shocked that my symptoms weren't worse because, according to him, "the test results aren't subtle at all" in other words: "you have a raging uti!!!" how lovely. so he wrote me a prescription & off i went.
hopefully this thing clears up pretty quickly- i've only ever had one UTI before & it sucked- i had no idea what it was at the time, i just knew i wanted it gone. blargh.
anywho: that's about it. i woke up this morning, not realizing that the clocks needed to set back- aaaargh! but i feel like i gained an hour....sort of. except now i'm super tired and it's technically only 6:30. God, i'm so old. anyway- i managed to do a buttload of cooking today & get it out of the way. my biggest accomplishment was finding a reasonably priced dutch oven (thank you HomeGoods) & getting my sauce ready for lasagna tomorrow. i don't know if there is anything better than knowing you have homemade sauce bubbling away on the stove. eeek!

aaaaand yeah- i guess i'll go suffer through a couple more hours of football with brandon & his brother & then kick back for a new Family Guy- omg yay!

i leave you with this picture of cessna- this is her "sock hat" (basically, my husband's sock with a huge hole in the heel) which i love & she hates. lol. she looks like a bug! haaaa!
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Sunday, October 26, 2008

my weekend

this is what i did this weekend:

bought new Dansko's- i love my red ones, but black ones were needed. i also found a pair of Uggs that i LOVE! usually i think they're kind of ugly- but these ones don't look like regular Uggs- they're just...awesome. i didn't feel like shelling out $180 bucks though (since i had already spent $100 on the Dansko's) so i'll go back when it gets a little colder- i also found an awesome paid of Uggs slipper that i want- but $80 is a bit much for slippers, so we'll see.
finished megan's scarf- this was my 3rd one & it came out awesome if i might say. i also started another one for my friend manda. i'm trying out some new stiches & we'll see how it turns out. yeee!

caught gary looking at LOL Cats- tsk tsk tsk. look at i!!!

and my biggest accomplishment: i made my first 2 cakes that someone is actually going to PAY ME FOR!!! its my first sale!!! i'm so stoked:

Spiced Pumpkin Cake with Marscarpone Frosting

Apple Spice Cake with Marscarpone Frosting

i'm really excited about the cakes- they came out awesome! the husband will take them to work tomorrow & deliver them to his boss (he's the one buying them) and i can't wait!

i also read an awesome book: Sarah's Key. it's a Bookmarked (club pick) at Target, and with good reason. if you're looking for a good read, i would suggest you pick it up.
and that's about it. i'm sure i could find something else to ramble on about but i'm lazy...
oh yeah, i cleaned out my bedside drawer today & found about 30 condoms- wtf?! we've never even used condoms, so why the hell do i have so many? and most of them were expired- like in 06/07. ha! except the strawberry flavored ones...and the studded ones. good grief. wtf am i going to do with strawberry flavored condoms?! anyway- i threw most of them away but gary decided to drag them out of the trash & play with them. what a freak.
ok- ciao!
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Friday, October 17, 2008

wtf?! appt

*UPDATE* my beta today = 4.75 so that's super! it's "officially" negative but they want to see it @ 0 which i'm sure it'll be when they test me next friday. woo hoo!

so we had our follow up appt with the RE today. we still don't really know "what" happened last month, but it looks like the pregnancy ended up in the right tube (the one with a small opening) after the embryo floated around for awhile. all in all- that's over & done with.

moving on: after my next period (grrr) we are going to do a Hysteroscopy & an Endometrial Biopsy. this will allow them to look into my uterus to see if there is anything going on- also the biopsy testing (which takes about 2 weeks) will let us know if there are any issues with my endometrial tissues, or any infections going on. once we have those results back (depending on what they are) we will move forward with a fresh IVF#2 cycle at the end of Dec into Jan. the 2 remaining frozen embryos will stay put for now.

problems? with the recent merger at my company, there is a high chance that my insurance will be changing on Jan 1st & if it does, there will be no more IVF coverage. if that's the case then we're kind of in a bind. we really don't want to shell out thousands of dollars- but what choice do we have? i'm praying with everything in me that my company chooses to stay with our current insurance- PLEASE GOD! if they do, then i have no worries. if they don't, well then there's more stress to add to everything. blah. why can't this be easy?

anyway- so i'll know by the begining of November if there are going to be any changes- and if there are then my RE said we'll try & speed things along so that all my transferring & such happens BEFORE my new insurance takes over. i'm not allowed to get KU until Jan 3rd because of the Metho shot soooo- yeah. argh.

anyway- my RE really didn't want to put me through a LAP right now because he said that the 2 other tests should give us plenty of info. obviously if there are huge issues found with those tests then we will look at a LAP- but for now he doesn't feel that it's needed. so i'm going to trust him on that one.

so that's that. keep your fingers crossed that my insurance stays the same!!! please! because that would take a load off my mind! alrighty- i guess i should go work & such. thank God it's friday- seriously.
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Monday, October 13, 2008

lazy sunday pics of our "kids"

lol- they all love the sun, but cessna was really getting into it yesterday. gary looks like he's trying to pretend she's not there...stealing his sun.

ok- adorable, right? i came upon this little balancing act...

um-! sorry about the dog porn in this picture- God, she's so gross. the look on max's face as she grabbed his little peen is priceless.

brother was horrified- father was amused!

then cessna got tired from all her peen chomping- so she decided to sleep...

...on daddy's eye that is. lol- she's such a crackhead. luckliy she's cute, because after she ripped up my slippers on friday thought i'd hate her forever. but alas.

and that's all- that was our sunday- good times with the "children" :)

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

ok then

alright- so as of friday Oct 10th my BETA= 40!!! which is awesome because it's dropping crazy fast. also i've been charting this whole time & my temps have been dropping and i've been cramping & spotting & BAM! HUGE temp drop today and i just went to the bathroom and it looks like my period has come. now i think you're supposed to wait until your betas are completely at 0 before considering any kind of flow a "period" but i think it actually is.

ok- so looking at that i'd say that my body is doing what it's supposed to- yeah? i'm hoping. i'll see what's going on tomorrow and go from there- it looks like i'll hve to manually start a new cycle anyways.
i go back in on the 17th (this friday) for more (hopefully last) bloodwork & my wtf?! appt. i'm a little annoyed because we have to go all the way to Lexington for it, but there was no way i was waiting until the end of Nov for a Bedford appt. frig that. so we're gonna go in- tell him that i want a LAP, Assisted Hatching, an Endometrium Test & etc etc & see wht he says. if he agrees, then good, let's do this. if not, then peace out. we'll go elsewhere.

hmmm- and that's that for now. i'm bummed that it's already Sunday afternoon & it's back to the daily grind tomorrow but what can you do? at least Family Guy is on tonight- if it's as funny as last week's i'll probably die. serously- i almost peed myself last week.

ok- as promised about 15 years ago: here's a couple pictures from this past summer. i never got around to really posting them so i'll put a few in here:

the husband & at one of my best friend's wedding: 08/08/08. um- i don't think he was really that miserable...

captain cheri (adkins) & i on our GoG, GtG weekend.

me & the TTC6+ girl on the swing...weeee

and lastly, my newest niece, Jael. the one i have yet to meet. she was born on June 28th and- yeah. crazy long story that i've typed up before. hopefully i'll meet her soon- but yeah. this is the one they thought was a boy, which explains why she's dressed like one :)

so yeah- i'll post more later. cause everyone likes pictures :)

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Sunday, October 5, 2008

thank you!

i just wanted to take a minute & thank everyone for their prayers, well wishes, thoughts, fingers crossed, breaths held- everything! it seems weird to take comfort in all of the above, from ladies on the internet, but it means everything to me.
it's hard to respond back to every comment so i wanted to do it in this post. thank you to everyone- you are all WONDERFUL!!!

hmm- well, while this whole thing has really sucked i'm trying to keep a positive outlook on things. we can obviously get pregnant, so that's good! too bad it wasn't in the right spot- i joked with brandon that this baby obviously had my sense of direction. der. :)

umm- my shot(s)of methotrexate (yes, TWO) in the ass weren't bad at all- i hardly felt them- so that was a plus. i had a little breakdown about everything while driving back to work- but then i decided that, that would be the last time. if you dwell & dwell you'll never get over it. so that's it! it is what it is & we're moving on.

we can't get pregnant for at least two months so during that time i'm going to pray that my levels go down QUICKLY & we're going to try & get in my LAP. then in December we'll probably do another fresh cycle with assisted hatching. hopefully. as long as my body & RE's office cooperates, that's how it'll be!

so what do i have to be looking forward to you ask? TWILIGHT! NOVEMBER 21st!!! OMG!!!!
aaand Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. oh yeah- and cessna finally got her cast off and her foot looks all kinds of wonky- like seriously. i'd post pics but it sorta freaks me out. hopefully she gets some muscle tone back in that thing pretty quicly cause...yeeesh!

and that's that!!! thank you all again! hopefully the next time a pregnancy is mentioned in this blog, it'll be a healthy, viable one! thanks again!
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Thursday, October 2, 2008


so my bloodwork & us today:
Beta= 559
US= ectopic

sooo- tomorrow morning i go in for bloodwork @ 7am & then i go in for a methotrexate shot (in my butt- eeek) to "dissolve" the "pregnancy"- then i go in 2x a week till my levels go down to 0. ugh- more waiting, i hate waiting.
at least we caught this early- after my levels are down to 0 then we'll go in & discuss having a LAP and whatever other testing the RE wants to do- blah blah blah.

ANYWAY- at least i have an answer & this will hopefully be over before too long.
so yeah- thanks for all the well wishes & prayers- all you ladies are the best!
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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

well what do you know?

BFP!? yeah- crazy huh? as soon as i saw these lines pop up i started bawling- unfortunately they weren't tears of joy as one might think- ugh, here's the story:

my BETA after my FET was on 09/19 and it was negative (it was a 4- but yeah)
so i was ok with that, my period came & went & i moved on. then this past weekend i started bleeding & cramping & etc (see below entries) so i finally called the RE & went in for bloodwork & an ultrasound.
well they called & told me that my BETA is 364!!! what?! how?! so i drive back to Lexington & the dr asked a bunch of questions to try & rule out an ectopic. honestly though, they're not sure yet what's going on. it's too early to see anything so we'll just have to wait & see.
most likely this is a non-viable pregnancy (m/c) & it'll either pass on it's own or i'll need a little help (in the way of a shot or two)

aaaaaaah! so yeah- i don't even know. i'm trying not to focus on this- something i've wanted so bad & for so long is in my grasp & i'm not going to be able to keep it. it's not fair- that about sums it up.

anyway- i was lying on the bed, holding the FRE, sobbing & feeling sorry for myself when i saw a little paw shoot out- i had to laugh. gary was attacking the pee stick with a fury. it was hilarious. i got some pictures & started laughing histarically...and then started crying again. ugh- SO UNFAIR!!!! i want to ask God why? but i hate to question Him- He knows what He's doing & He has a plan for me- hopefully it includes a little bird :)

anyway- i'll keep everyone updated & we'll see where this all goes. i hate waiting- ugh.
wow- 2 lines on a stick- i really can't get over it. ::le sigh::
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Monday, September 29, 2008


so my stomach still hurts & i'm still bleeding so i called my RE- i have to go in for bw & an US tomorrow because my beta from last week was a 4 instead of a 0 and they need to make sure there is nothing "in there". according to my RE's office- anything over a 2 is positive, but i thought it was anything over 5- so who knows? all i know is that my stomach hurts & i'm sick of bleeding.

also- i just purchased another year long VIP FF subscription- awesome.
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Sunday, September 28, 2008

what the hell?

if anyone wants to explain this to me then feel free!

after my failed FET, my period came & went by the 19th. then i spotted for a day like usual & then it stopped. then along comes the 25th and i start spotting again like my period is on it's way. ok weird- but no biggie.

along comes yesterday- we were going to the fair early so we left & went to my parent's house first to drop the dogs off- i'm feeling a little bloated & gassy(?!) but i chalk it up to the Fiber Tablets i've been taking- but then my stomache really starts to hurt & i'm looking more bloated than ever- like really bad cramps, gas & a stomache ache. maybe my pants are too tight?
we start walking around at the fair & i still hurt, but i'm also hungry- so who knows? then my cramps are horrible & i've got to pee again so we go to the bathrooms- well i take a look & BAM- it looks like my period has started. wtf?! it just ended? i'm so confused!!! whatever i guess. so we walk around more & i feel a couple gushes (gross) so when we get to my parents i go check & sure enough, more bleeding/clots. this sucks.

well we go home & i basically bleed for the rest of the day & feel like i did after my ET (crampy, bloated, aweful) i'm not bleeding much by the time i go to bed so oook- but when i get up this morning to pee, BAM- more blood & my stomache feels worse. now it's not really like cramps- more like an aweful stomache ache that's radiating from my pelvis all the way up. like when i press on my stomache or pelvis area, it hurts.

ugh-anyway. the bloating isn't as bad & it doesn't hurt as bad as yesterday but i still don't know what's going on. it's not a UTI because i've had one of those & that was different. there is no blood in my urine & it doesn't burn when i pee or anything. its just...?!

any ideas?! any doctors read this blog? i think i'll let this run it's course & see how i feel tomorrow. i can still function so it can't be that bad, right?
this is super lame. oh, here's my chart:
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Monday, September 22, 2008

it's everywhere- like a disease

i found out last week that 2 women i work with are pregnant. one, has an almost 2 year old & the other has a 15 year old. the latter also still smokes, drinks, lives on coffee, eats like crap & etc etc. no fair. at all.

then this morning i had to get my teeth cleaned- well i got there early & waited in the parking lot for the office to open, so i get to watch everyone walk in. lo & behold, my usual hygenist drives in, gets out & is quite obviously pregnant. i hate the dentist as it is, but this just put me over the top. thankfully, one of the other hygenists cleaned my teeth this morning. one of the obviously not pregnant ones. i mean, she's older & has kids, but at least she's not knocked up right now.

and then i get to work & the annoying girl who just got back from maternity leave, is talking to my other cw (who has a 16 month old) about all things baby- and how her friends are KU & how she went shopping for baby stuff this weekend & how much she loves babies and baby things & being a mother. and where are they having this conversations? why, right behind my desk of course! could there be a more appropriate place? nooo, of course not.

and lastly, a few of the nest ladies all found out that they were pregnant this past week/end. some of these BFP's resulted from an FET or IVF or a very natural cycle. while i'm happy for each of them, i still kills me. it doesn't matter that they may or may not have struggled as much as i have, it's still hard to digest the news & i'm insanely jealous. anyone who is still struggling to get pregnant and says that it's not hard, or that they're not envious as well, is a liar. just because you're happy for someone doesn't make you immune to anger or jealousy. i hate that this is what i've become but i don't know what to do. i pray that God will take these feeling away and i try & focus on everything that i do have- but it doesn't help. there is always a reminder of the one thing that we want that we cannot have.
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Friday, September 19, 2008

lol twilight

so i have this sick obsession with a 17 year old vampire named, Edward- wtf?! i love him- i love it- i love it ALL!
there is something else i love- it's called "spoofs" & "funnies"- so thanks to a lovely fellow nestie- i have several to share with you. be warned- you will die laughing:

(New Moon)

LOL! i almost peed my pants!
and last- but not least:

SERIOUSLY!!! i'm dying over here. oh man- i need to get a life.
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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

8dpfet = CD1

FET#2 = big f-ing no periods after treatment cycles are THE WORST! i feel like my uterus is falling out.

oh, and also, i'm over the whole bummed out, i'm so sad this isn't working thing- now, i'm just PISSED! FURIOUS! this is UNACCEPTABLE! there is NO reason that all 3 of the "finest IF treatments that money can buy" have FAILED! this is WICKED LAME! it's not FAIR! why do some women get 2 babies, even 3 babies, and i can't even have !?! ugh. i'm so done.

i called and demanded that they move my BETA up to 09/19 (fri) instead of making me wait till 09/22 (mon)- hell, i'll be done my period by friday- so why the frick do i have to go in anyways?!
losers- oh, and my wtf?! appt is scheduled for Oct 6th @ 1:30pm. you better believe i'm gonna go in there and demand answers & more testing!!!

ugh- lame. whatever. i'm done. i'm just gonna focus on working out and getting super skinny again (lol @ again- i've never been super skinny) so i can be hot and stuff. word.
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Monday, September 15, 2008


umm- nothing new. anyway.

i heard two things today that got to me in totally different ways:

1. my former boss (he used to be my boss at my current job but he got a new job about a year ago) and his wife had IF- they tried to get pregnant for a little over a year & finally had to do IUI- well it was weird because i actually ran into them at my RE's office, and my & my boss (at the time) were both like..."heeey...yeah"
anyway- moving on, him & his wife got pregnant with their first IUI- when he told me i was happy for them, but super jealous because my own IVF#1 had just failed.
well i just found out today, from another woman i work with, that they were pregnant with twin girls and that they just lost them last week at 23 weeks. i'm so heartbroken for them- i can't even imagine what they're going through.
i'm going to send them a card- but i really don't know what to say. what do you say to parents that have lost their children? what do you say.

2. my other former boss (she was the "head honcho" when i first started but then she demoted herself to spend more time with her new baby who is almost 2 now) is pregnant with her second & she's due in march. i'm so jealous- she gets pregnant really easily & i just knew she was planning on it soon- ugh. she's really nice & all but it's gonna be hard to see her waddling around

poo- what a day.
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Sunday, September 14, 2008

6dpfet #2


well i'm about 99% positive that FET#2 is a BFN- my beta isn't for another week but i'm already spotting like it's my job and i have super AF cramps. i know for alot of women this can be a good thing, but i know my body and i know i'm not pregnant.

i'm not going to take my estrace or progesterone anymore- it's stupid. i've never had a problem with any of my E2 or progesterone levels anyway so even if i was pregnant & i stopped them, i don't see that resulting in anything "bad" blah. last time, withing 2 days of stopping i have AF full on- so yeah. we'll see what happens this time. if it comes then i'm calling my RE's nurse and i'm getting my pointless beta done earlier- this is lame- this waiting crap.

we'll see what my temp does tomorrow- if it's low then i'll know that it was the progesterone that was keeping it up. blargh.

hmmm- the husband is more upset than i am. i mean, i am upset, this totally sucks, but i don't have super high hopes to begin with...he does. so every time it doesn't work he's pretty bummed. i feel bad.

i wonder what my RE will say at our wtf?! appt...? hmmm- he'd better have some answers for us.

well i'm 6dpfet (6 days past fet) and i don't know what to think. i've had cramping, and spotting but my temps are looking pretty good. but does that really mean anything? der.

i'm not going to test- it helps that i only have a digital in the house anyway, there is no way i'm peeing on $18 to get a nice, Not Pregnant. yeeeah. actually, even if i had a few $tree tests- i wouldn't test. i hate BFN's and since i'm not positive that this worked anyway, i'll just wait.

anyway- it's pouring out. and it's sunday. so that equals: my ass on the couch reading a book. sweet, right? well actually, the book that i purchased to read today, i read yesterday. so now i have no book :( so i guess i'll have to run out and get one- the problem with this is that Target has nothing that i haven't already read- so i'm gonna have to go to B&N and i don't feel like it. GOSH- my life is so rough. oooor- i might re-read the Chronicles Of Narnia. i love that series & i've been promising myself i would read it again. so i'll probably do that. word.

ummm- that's it. i'm gonna drag my infertile ass to the kitchen and get something to eat- my phantom fetus is starving. i'm eating for 2- der.

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Friday, September 12, 2008


well i'm not really feeling anything except my period on it's way- so that's super lame. i'm trying to stay hopeful but i have cramps, spotting yesterday & my temps have been low the past two mornings. so i don't know. we'll see i guess.

anyway- i got home yesterday and stupid cessna had ripped her cast off AGAIN! this is the second time THIS week!! i was SO pissed!!! so i had to drive all the way to chelmsford AGAIN and shell out another $20 for a new cast. at least the guy vet was on this time and his casts are like...awesome. the last 2 were put on by one of the lady vets and she's a bit more wussy. the last time the guy vet put it on, cessna couldn't get it off. so i'm glad. i sprayed the shit out of it with that bitter apple stuff this morning and i swear if she gets it off today i'll probably lose my mind.

max also had to get his bum expressed because it smelled bad so that was another $20. God- animals!!! i think they cost more than children, at least mine do. well, only 2 more weeks and supposedly the cast can come off- so we'll see.

umm- that's about it. um- here are a few lol's that make me lol.

lol- i freaking love cats. i'm coo coo for cats!

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Thursday, September 11, 2008


don't forget.
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