8dp5dt OMFG!!!!!!

*UPDATE*- nurse called back- she simply told me to continue with my progesterone 2x a day & come in on wed- booo! i want a test NOW! but i'll be patient...argh!!!

ok- so i did a couple things that i thought i would never have/be able to do:



1. i cried in the shower last night & asked God why? i try to never question Him- i have no right- but i was just so upset. then i apologized & listed all the things i am thankful for.

2. i got up this morning- still spotting- went to work a whole 5 hours early (i'm working the late shift & i forgot- grrr) so i came home & POAS just to make sure that i wasn't KU.

3. i left the pee stick on the counter- went & took my pants off & wandered back in- saw the BFP & started sobbing & praying. i literally SHOVED a progesterone tablet inside of me & begged God to let this one stick.

4. i ran to the trash & dug through it, looking for Sat's pee stick (i know, so gross)- i found it & stared at it- the "BFN" that i saw on sat was now a BFP!!!

5. i called my nurses & asked them to PLEASE call me back!!!

6. i took all these pictures & i'm putting them here for all of you too look @ and reassure me & tell me that everything is going to be fine!!!!



the above was dug out of the trash this morning!!!!

the above was taken this morning!!!!

ok so now i'm worried!!! why was i bleeding yesterday? it wouldn't be implantation bleeding would it? because i got a positive...? i don't know!!! or could it be???

and my test this morning is darker- but is it dark enough? and i'm still spotting (brown)- & i kind of have craps on my left side- i don't know though. God- those nurses better call me back soon- you think they'd let me get a beta drawn today?!!!

the most concerning thing is the cramps on my left side- i hope this isn't another ectopic- also my cramps in general- i feel like my period is coming RIGHT NOW!!! ugh!!!

well what do you know?

BFP!? yeah- crazy huh? as soon as i saw these lines pop up i started bawling- unfortunately they weren't tears of joy as one might think- ugh, here's the story:

my BETA after my FET was on 09/19 and it was negative (it was a 4- but yeah)
so i was ok with that, my period came & went & i moved on. then this past weekend i started bleeding & cramping & etc (see below entries) so i finally called the RE & went in for bloodwork & an ultrasound.
well they called & told me that my BETA is 364!!! what?! how?! so i drive back to Lexington & the dr asked a bunch of questions to try & rule out an ectopic. honestly though, they're not sure yet what's going on. it's too early to see anything so we'll just have to wait & see.
most likely this is a non-viable pregnancy (m/c) & it'll either pass on it's own or i'll need a little help (in the way of a shot or two)

aaaaaaah! so yeah- i don't even know. i'm trying not to focus on this- something i've wanted so bad & for so long is in my grasp & i'm not going to be able to keep it. it's not fair- that about sums it up.

anyway- i was lying on the bed, holding the FRE, sobbing & feeling sorry for myself when i saw a little paw shoot out- i had to laugh. gary was attacking the pee stick with a fury. it was hilarious. i got some pictures & started laughing histarically...and then started crying again. ugh- SO UNFAIR!!!! i want to ask God why? but i hate to question Him- He knows what He's doing & He has a plan for me- hopefully it includes a little bird :)



anyway- i'll keep everyone updated & we'll see where this all goes. i hate waiting- ugh.
wow- 2 lines on a stick- i really can't get over it. ::le sigh::

bleeding at 6dp5dt

i just went to the bathroom and when i looked down, there was bright red blood in the toilet & a clot- and when i wiped, there was more. i'm also super crampy.

i'm pretty sure that this isn't implantation.

*update*
i called the nurse's line asking if i could come in earlier for a bloodtest so i don't have to keep taking the suppositories if i don't need to be- i thought i would be fine but right in the middle of the call i got so choked up i couldn't even spek- i finally managed to spit out my name & phone number and hung up- the nurse that listened to it probably thought i was some crazy person. she just called me back & i'm going to go in for some bloodwork tomorrow @ a lab in bedford, nh (which is way closer than lexington)

now i'm just going to fold laundry & cry, my husband isn't home and i'm glad because i look so ugly when i cry. this is so unfair.