Monday, September 22, 2008

it's everywhere- like a disease

i found out last week that 2 women i work with are pregnant. one, has an almost 2 year old & the other has a 15 year old. the latter also still smokes, drinks, lives on coffee, eats like crap & etc etc. no fair. at all.

then this morning i had to get my teeth cleaned- well i got there early & waited in the parking lot for the office to open, so i get to watch everyone walk in. lo & behold, my usual hygenist drives in, gets out & is quite obviously pregnant. i hate the dentist as it is, but this just put me over the top. thankfully, one of the other hygenists cleaned my teeth this morning. one of the obviously not pregnant ones. i mean, she's older & has kids, but at least she's not knocked up right now.

and then i get to work & the annoying girl who just got back from maternity leave, is talking to my other cw (who has a 16 month old) about all things baby- and how her friends are KU & how she went shopping for baby stuff this weekend & how much she loves babies and baby things & being a mother. and where are they having this conversations? why, right behind my desk of course! could there be a more appropriate place? nooo, of course not.

and lastly, a few of the nest ladies all found out that they were pregnant this past week/end. some of these BFP's resulted from an FET or IVF or a very natural cycle. while i'm happy for each of them, i still kills me. it doesn't matter that they may or may not have struggled as much as i have, it's still hard to digest the news & i'm insanely jealous. anyone who is still struggling to get pregnant and says that it's not hard, or that they're not envious as well, is a liar. just because you're happy for someone doesn't make you immune to anger or jealousy. i hate that this is what i've become but i don't know what to do. i pray that God will take these feeling away and i try & focus on everything that i do have- but it doesn't help. there is always a reminder of the one thing that we want that we cannot have.
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Rebekah said...

Babies/pregnant women are EVERYWHERE! I can't seem to avoid them.

I'll be the first to admit (ok,
2nd) that though I am happy when one of my "friends" on the Nest gets a BFP, the first thought I have is, "Why did it work for them and not me?" This whole situation is so sucky.

Sorry you're having a hard day ((hugs))

LDRN said...

Sorry you are are having a rough time & I hope that you get the news you are looking for soon!

Danse said...

Ugh, sorry you had such an awful day.

I completely understand you're feelings and personally don't understand how anyone struggling with IF wouldn't get jealous. I hate being so jealous - it sucks.

Sasha & Mark said...

We've all had days like that-- sorry you had baby just rubbed in your face! I was always really jealous of the SAIF-ers too. Not only were they pregnant, but they also got to forget about the nightmare of IF that I was still going through. And I despise "if it happened to me...!" No one knows what the future is and that's the scariest/saddest part about all of this. I wish for the best for you and a baby in your arms very soon.

Just Me said...

Hey... I'm here... still not pregnant yet- Hanging with you : )

It's OK to feel this way T. I think that you NEED to express these feelings.... otherwise, they take over your life.