Wednesday, March 17, 2010

guest blogger: As the Forest[e] Grows

so- as promised, today's entry is provided by the very lovely Mrs. Foreste from As The Forest[e] Grows! (make sure to swing by & virtually breath in the cuteness that is her kid)

it's a "how to" on everyone's favorite subject: Post Partum Sex!!!

i won't make you wait anymore, here it is...also, feel free to print this out & leave it lying on your kitchen table. when the husband sees it he's sure to think he's died & gone to some sexual heaven:

Well, first of all I'm honored to be a guest blogger here in the land o' birds. And even more so to be sharing with you my sex life, as requested [or errrm... demanded]. So if you are easily offended or extremely conservative... you may want to reconsider reading this... you've been warned ;)

We got the go ahead to start having sex about 8 weeks postpartum. At the time, the thought of having something enter the place where a 6lb 5oz human had just emerged a mere 8 weeks prior, was not too enticing. I thought, "Ok, that's totally the reason I can't get turned on... right?" A few weeks after that... I thought, "Ok, it's totally the BFing hormones... right?!"

I was completely honest with Hubbs about my lack of sex drive & he understood, but was determined to try a variety of "games" to get the old me back.

Game #1 - Role play. Hubbs is a hot masseur named "Matthew" whose only goal is to please me. Fun, worked & I'd totally recommend. I get a nice rub down along with the main course.

Game #2 - Porn. Raunchy, hardcore porn. Too much information? Maybe. Too much fun? Definitely. We've continued to switch things up & we use this trick maybe once a month.

I know what you're thinking. Why is a good, Christian mother engaging in this kind of behavior? Something only a 15 year old highschool boy with nothing better to do than sit around with a bottle of Jergens & box of Kleenex does on his lonely nights?

Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lovelies. And desperate we were.

Game #3 - Lingerie. I decided I was going to have to brush away the cobwebs to my lingerie drawer at some point. Moths, be gone! My crotch-less panties only need one hole, thank you.

Game #4 - Ok so this one isn't really a game, but it helped. KY intense. If you haven't tried it, you're missing out.

So, good 'ole Aunt Flo came to visit for the first time last week since October 2008. Sucks right? Or does it?? You want to know the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning to soaked panties? It wasn't the dreaded toe curling cramps I was blessed with. Nope. Not even the fact that I need to use Ultra sized tampons, which I soak out of every 45 minutes, entered my mind. The first thing I thought was...

"Yes, an excuse to get out of sex for a whole week!"

Bad Mrs.F. And poor Mr.F. Don't get me wrong... once I'm in the act it's quite enjoyable. With lots of KY. And a bra (against Hubbs liking) to avoid unnecessary smacking in the eyes with these stretch marked things that now hang (as opposed to sit) from my chest. And damnit... I have a sexy ass husband. Why can't I get in the mood?

I try not to deny Hubbs when he hints to me by performing the "weiner smack"... you know that thing guys do when they stand there nude & twist their hips from side to side rapidly to make it smack left & right? Or is it just my man who does that? Either way, who can resist that?!

So, we're making progress slowly, but surely. I'm lucky to have a thoughtful husband who only asks to get in my pants once a day. He's lucky to have a thoughtful wife who agrees to it more often than not... even if I'm totally not feeling it. Gotta keep your men happy, ladies. He showers me in compliments all day & I love him for it. Even right after I gave birth when my belly looked like a deflated balloon & my vag looked like a capitol W... he still managed to tell me I looked like a million bucks. That's true love!

Will I ever feel like a horny teenager again? Probably not. But we're having fun trying to get back the love life we once had. And a glass of chardonnay at night helps a bit too ;)
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27 comments:

Saffy said...

Brilliant! Nothing like honest and to the point - along with a giggle. The world needs more bloggers like this :)

Mitzi G.!! said...

That was an awesome post & her honesty is great not to mention so dead on for many readers....we'll this on anyway!!

Mrs. B said...

Thank God my husbands not the only one who does that. ::relief::

Beth said...

LOL I loved reading this!! too funny!!

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

Ha! Weiner smacking is more prevalent that I thought...

Britt said...

I loved this!!!! and completely true!!

Grace said...

Omg that made my day. I'm definitely relieved too. Except in our house the "smack" comes right before "the helicopter." What the?!?

Blair said...

LOVE this. & yes, Nate does the smack. Especially right out of the shower.

Also, we do the porn thing. RAWR. I think Jesus understands.

Francis said...

too funny and soo true! you gotta try different things to make them happy!

oh and I totally thought my husband was the only one with the weiner smacking!!! Good to know he is not ha!!!

Mrs. Hesson said...

This is hilarious! And I think we can ALL relate. Ugh, MEN! Can't live with em, can't live without em :)

Mrs. D said...

Dude, I love you. Thank you for making my day. I will have to let dall read to this so he knows we're not the only ones who a)watch porn & b)INEVERWANTTOHAVESEX, but I have to pretend sometimes :)

Cassie said...

We don't have kids yet and sometimes we even struggle with this. I appreciate your creative suggestions. And my man does the weiner smack amongst other fun weiner things. I thought I was the only one. Glad I'm not.

Alysha said...

My husband does the smack and the poke. (Where he slying pokes you from behind) yea thats sexy.. and the W part was hilarious!!! :)

Mrs. Love Bug said...

bwahahaa. My husband so does the smack thing. My god, I thought he was the only one!

Shannon said...

Hey Mrs. F! I totally thought my hubby was the only one that did the "weiner smack" LOL!!!!!

MrsXoxo1598 said...

it must be a guy thing... the whole wiener smack, lmao. and it must be a woman thing to think "only her man" does it, ahaha! this was a hilarious read!

Lindsey said...

I literally laughed out loud at the weiner smacking part. My hubs totally does that, lmao!

Care said...

oh gosh, the poke is so "subtle", not! I love when hubby combines the poke with a "can I rub your back" haha. Sure, that's all you want to do1

Nicole said...

You don't even know the relief I got from reading your post. Here I was thinking I was the only girl in the world with a husband that does that weird pervy wiener smack. Hooray!

Erica said...

OMG this is freakin hilarious !!! I can't stop laughing because i think we are the same way....and yes .....they all do the "wiener smack"

Megan said...

Ha Ha Ha! Loved this post, and the weiner smack OMG, the Hubbs thinks it is so "cool" to do! Thanks so much for this post!

cupcake_queen said...

Our huge porn stash is hidden in my house (in my room of course) and I just hope my children never find it :0
ha ha!

Miss67C said...

This made me feel more at ease. We are struggling with my drive too :(

but like the saying goes "practice makes perfect."
good entry.

Kate said...

Great post! So funny and so familiar! Nicely done!

Krista said...

Glad I'm not the only one that feels this way!!

And yes, my hubs does the smack too!

House said...

My hubby totally does the weiner smack. He likes to mix it up with a back and forth smack as well. Not as effective as side to side, but amusing nonetheless.

~ Yolie ~ said...

LOL. OMG, too funny. Love the honesty