guest blogger: As the Forest[e] Grows

so- as promised, today's entry is provided by the very lovely Mrs. Foreste from As The Forest[e] Grows! (make sure to swing by & virtually breath in the cuteness that is her kid)

it's a "how to" on everyone's favorite subject: Post Partum Sex!!!

i won't make you wait anymore, here it is...also, feel free to print this out & leave it lying on your kitchen table. when the husband sees it he's sure to think he's died & gone to some sexual heaven:

Well, first of all I'm honored to be a guest blogger here in the land o' birds. And even more so to be sharing with you my sex life, as requested [or errrm... demanded]. So if you are easily offended or extremely conservative... you may want to reconsider reading this... you've been warned ;)

We got the go ahead to start having sex about 8 weeks postpartum. At the time, the thought of having something enter the place where a 6lb 5oz human had just emerged a mere 8 weeks prior, was not too enticing. I thought, "Ok, that's totally the reason I can't get turned on... right?" A few weeks after that... I thought, "Ok, it's totally the BFing hormones... right?!"

I was completely honest with Hubbs about my lack of sex drive & he understood, but was determined to try a variety of "games" to get the old me back.

Game #1 - Role play. Hubbs is a hot masseur named "Matthew" whose only goal is to please me. Fun, worked & I'd totally recommend. I get a nice rub down along with the main course.

Game #2 - Porn. Raunchy, hardcore porn. Too much information? Maybe. Too much fun? Definitely. We've continued to switch things up & we use this trick maybe once a month.

I know what you're thinking. Why is a good, Christian mother engaging in this kind of behavior? Something only a 15 year old highschool boy with nothing better to do than sit around with a bottle of Jergens & box of Kleenex does on his lonely nights?

Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lovelies. And desperate we were.

Game #3 - Lingerie. I decided I was going to have to brush away the cobwebs to my lingerie drawer at some point. Moths, be gone! My crotch-less panties only need one hole, thank you.

Game #4 - Ok so this one isn't really a game, but it helped. KY intense. If you haven't tried it, you're missing out.

So, good 'ole Aunt Flo came to visit for the first time last week since October 2008. Sucks right? Or does it?? You want to know the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning to soaked panties? It wasn't the dreaded toe curling cramps I was blessed with. Nope. Not even the fact that I need to use Ultra sized tampons, which I soak out of every 45 minutes, entered my mind. The first thing I thought was...

"Yes, an excuse to get out of sex for a whole week!"

Bad Mrs.F. And poor Mr.F. Don't get me wrong... once I'm in the act it's quite enjoyable. With lots of KY. And a bra (against Hubbs liking) to avoid unnecessary smacking in the eyes with these stretch marked things that now hang (as opposed to sit) from my chest. And damnit... I have a sexy ass husband. Why can't I get in the mood?

I try not to deny Hubbs when he hints to me by performing the "weiner smack"... you know that thing guys do when they stand there nude & twist their hips from side to side rapidly to make it smack left & right? Or is it just my man who does that? Either way, who can resist that?!

So, we're making progress slowly, but surely. I'm lucky to have a thoughtful husband who only asks to get in my pants once a day. He's lucky to have a thoughtful wife who agrees to it more often than not... even if I'm totally not feeling it. Gotta keep your men happy, ladies. He showers me in compliments all day & I love him for it. Even right after I gave birth when my belly looked like a deflated balloon & my vag looked like a capitol W... he still managed to tell me I looked like a million bucks. That's true love!

Will I ever feel like a horny teenager again? Probably not. But we're having fun trying to get back the love life we once had. And a glass of chardonnay at night helps a bit too ;)

sleeping sex

firstly: today is the last day to enter the BLOG GIVEAWAY!!! don't miss out- your kid'll have the cutest paci clip ever!

secondly: sleeping sex

about 5 seconds after my head hit the pillow last night, i was asleep. and not like, a little asleep, SOUND asleep! dead to the world- out like a light- etc etc.

so this would explain my brain's confusion about 5 minutes later when i realized that the husband was humping my ass.
wtf dude?! based on the fact that i fell asleep on the couch @ 8:45pm (which, sadly, resulted in me missing American Idol) and then sleepwalked my way to bed- it was more than obvious that i wasn't in the right frame of mind for maritals..............or was i?

a minute or so after i was rudely lovingly awoken, i realized that in my half asleep state i am actually much less inhibited. i mean, i'm no prude whilst fully awake, but i'm also no freak-a-leak either. i get the job done with the least amount of extra frills (mainly because it's late & my ass is up at 3:45 every morning) and call it a day.

but last night- it was almost like being drunk (but without the horrible spins that accompany it)!
fabulous! i do have a (probably) impressionable daughter in the next room over so i didn't howl at the moon or anything- but i got mine. and he got his.

the only hitch was having to prop myself up with one hand & one elbow because i forgot the lube rag- but apparently the hunchback look totally does it for the hubs- who knew?

after all was said & done and our breathing had returned to normal- i killed whatever lusty thoughts that may have been lingering by grasping the forearm attached to my drippy lube hand & proclaiming it "THE CLAAAAW" in my best jim carey voice. it was a sweet ending to the night's activities. dinner AND a show. it was a win win.

so- if your husband wakes you up from a dead sleep & you'd rather KILL him than engage in maritals: STOP! give yourself a minute & go with it. you'll probably end up blowing his mind (among other things) and i guarantee you that he'll want to repay you the next day.
and not just by slapping your ass & winking at you over coffee the next morning- no, like he'll probably take you to the mall & let you pick out a kick ass Coach bag. score.

thirdly: presh pictures of my little lady who i pray becomes a nun & therefore never engages in the debauchery that i just wrote out:

we took her to Cracker Barrel in this outfit & a sweet little old lady proclaimed that that she was: "the most handsome little cowboy she'd ever seen!"
apparently cowboys wear pink & are named Alexis. good to know.

and here's alex rocking her Maleficent hat: (and mom rocking her super skinny's- tee hee)


chub-a-lub!

lol @ "you might also like" apple crisp? monkey bread & chicken?! wtf?!

eczema

so after watching a couple red, dry spots come & go from my child, i decided to drag her to the pedi. i had a sneaking suspicion that these dry patches weren't simply from a lack of lotion (because God knows the child hates it when i try to lather her up- for real, just like her father) but something more ominous...dun dun dun. could it be...eczema?!

hmm, so the pedi checked her out & confirmed my suspicions- eczema it is! thankfully it's a very mild case (literally about 3-4 small spots- but the main one being right on her forehead- my poor cyclops) that should clear up soon. she also suggested that i stop using Johnson & Johnson because my child has the most sensitive skin ever it seems. she suggested Aveeno- now we tried Aveeno when alex had her first bath & she broke out with a rash. but that Aveeno was lightly scented (tsk tsk) so a fragrance free soap is what i need!

so after work i picked her up & headed over to Target to pick up our steroid prescription (for her eczema) & some Aveeno. THAT'S IT!

what do you know? $58 dollars & 1 hour later i emerge with those two things, plus a bunch of other crap i don't need (like Twizzlers & Little Debbie's cakes)- i hate you Target. but i did score some super cute Dell Studios clothing (they were on clearance!) and the most adorable nightlight. seriously:

are you kidding me?! a must have in our house.

so yeah- then we headed home (much later than usual)- she ate, was bathed, slathered in Aveeno Creamy Lotion (much to her dismay), smeared with her steroid ointment, kissed & snuggled and tucked into bed. sounds like a good night to me.

anyway- then i proceded to do what i do in a zombie state (i'm tired people) and fall into bed. then the husband proceded to do what he does & beg for maritals- well since it's been awhile (actually it's only been 2 weeks but to men that's like 15 years) i gave in.

and surprise surprise- it was fine. i didn't even need to lube up (so i thought)- so as i skipped into the bathroom, with thoughts of tossing out the KY, and sat down to pee...i almost shot off the toilet. um- wtf?! pee burns!!!! my vag felt like i had rubbed it with sandpaper & then poured alcohol on it. like seriously- worse than after i had alex. so as i sat there with a cold wipe held to the lady parts, letting urine trickle through my fingers & snot drip onto my leg- i realized that next time i will embrace the lube. because while the initial "doin it" might be fine- the aftermath is hell.

lesson learned.

then i crawled into bed & glared at my happily sleeping, sex sated husband and fell asleep dreaming of ways make him feel the pain that i felt. luckily for him, i couldn't think of any.

alas!

first sexy time after delivery

so it finally happened.

as i snuggled into the sheets lasts night & started to drift off into dreamland, i felt it. IT! the husband's hand casually placed on my hip like, "what's up?" this casual hand to the hip is his "i want to have maritals" sign.

i won't lie- i cringed. not because i don't love my husband, but because i don't love the thought of sex. not now, not ever! i felt the sahara, that is my lady parts, brewing up a sandstorm. oh God.

well, i can't put it off forever right? so we got it done. it was rather awkward/hilarious. we've never used lube (and that was a MUST) so when i told him he needed to use it he balked. but he figured it out- and while he did that i squirted about 1/2 cup more into the desert for good measure. THERE'S A DROUGHT PEOPLE!

since foreplay is pretty limited (the husband had no idea where to put his hands since the boobs are off limit- he kept rubbing my neck...weirdo) it shouldn't have taken long to get down to business, but i put it off as long as i could. i finally told him to "hop in, let's get this done"- poor guy. so romantic of me.

we took it slow aaaand- it wasn't really that bad. i mean, i'd rather do other things- like watch the hills or do laundry (far more pleasurable) but it wasn't horrible. it didn't feel great, but it didn't feel bad either, you know? it was just like- oh yeah, ok- i guess this'll do.
thank GOD for lube though- yeesh.

so yeah- we got the job done. i'm sure it'll be better next time ::fingers crossed::

p.s. the husband said it felt just like it always has ::whew::

p.p.s. i'm pretty sure the husband wiped his luby hand on my body pillow even though he said he didn't ::side eye::