guest blogger: The Southern Belle Baby

so my final guest blogger is Jessica from The Southern Belle Baby. i feel like i've "known" her forever when in fact it's only been a couple years.

i "met" her on thenest & i immediately liked her. she was pretty gung ho on getting ku and when it didn't happen right away- instead of FREAKING OUT & ASKING HER DOCTOR FOR CLOMID- she took the steps to find out what the "issue" might be. as someone else who has struggled with infertility, i was imediately in love.

she's funny, pretty, smart, has a cute kid- etc etc etc. the list goes on.

so here she is folks:

Sexual Evolution

When I first got with my now-husband, we were both virgins.

Yes, I know, how sweet, right? He was 20 and I was 17. We were off and on until I was 18, but then were officially together. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, and each kiss made you feel like your crotch would absolutely burst into flames. We messed around everywhere we possibly could. On the couch. On the floor. In his truck (be careful, by the way, getting felt up in a truck in your driveway. You just may get so hot and bothered that it escapes your attention that your boob is still hanging out and when you go back inside, your little brother may see it and be scarred for life. True story).

After this initial "ohmygodyouresohotpleaseletmehaveit" phase, it’s no surprise that our will power waned and we did it. You know… IT. I cooked him a fancy dinner, which probably wasn’t the best idea since we were both incredibly full and I spent the following hours sucking in my stomach, but afterwards, things got hot and heavy. It lasted a whole glorious 15 seconds, but it was done, and after that, there was no stopping us.

When you first have sex, you become addicted. It’s a cool new thing that you’ve never done before, and hey, it feels great. So, we did it all the time and everywhere we could. We knew no boundaries; no position was off limits, no sexual act was too brazen.

This lasted for about a week.

Then my dear Trevor decided that we were too into the physical. Whatever, dude, I like the physical, and aren’t you supposed to be doing nothing but thinking about sex at age 20? Then it happened. I became a nympho. When someone withholds something from you, that thing becomes that much more desirable. I was being denied, and to this day, I don’t exactly understand why. It was some weird phase, I guess, but I was about 347 times hornier than my boyfriend. It was an effing tragedy. I pounced on him all the time, trying to make

out or initiate any kind of sexual activity. Oh so sad.

Through our entire relationship, I have been the instigator of sex. I’d say 75% of the time, it was all on me.

This continued when we got married, and especially when we were trying to get pregnant.

Although to his credit, that was very mechanical, planned sex dictated by my fertility chart and ovulation sticks- not exactly room for deviation!

Once I got pregnant after dealing with infertility, I refused to have sex for a good while. It was a pretty “dry” pregnancy for old Trevor, if you catch my drift.

Now, eight weeks after our son’s birth, something has happened.

The tide has turned… my husband is a man obsessed. Every day, I will sit down to do something of importance once Knox is finally asleep, and like clockwork, Trevor gives me a wink, hands me a glass of wine or makes some suggestive gesture. I look at him like he’s on crack- why would I want to have sex when I finally have five minutes in which to take a shower? Or unload the dishwasher? Or pay the bills? How horribly ironic. Now that I don’t care about sex at all, he wants it all the time.

So now I know the secret to making your man weak in the knees and an absolute slave to your every whim: lose your sex drive completely. So sad.

guest blogger: As the Forest[e] Grows

so- as promised, today's entry is provided by the very lovely Mrs. Foreste from As The Forest[e] Grows! (make sure to swing by & virtually breath in the cuteness that is her kid)

it's a "how to" on everyone's favorite subject: Post Partum Sex!!!

i won't make you wait anymore, here it is...also, feel free to print this out & leave it lying on your kitchen table. when the husband sees it he's sure to think he's died & gone to some sexual heaven:

Well, first of all I'm honored to be a guest blogger here in the land o' birds. And even more so to be sharing with you my sex life, as requested [or errrm... demanded]. So if you are easily offended or extremely conservative... you may want to reconsider reading this... you've been warned ;)

We got the go ahead to start having sex about 8 weeks postpartum. At the time, the thought of having something enter the place where a 6lb 5oz human had just emerged a mere 8 weeks prior, was not too enticing. I thought, "Ok, that's totally the reason I can't get turned on... right?" A few weeks after that... I thought, "Ok, it's totally the BFing hormones... right?!"

I was completely honest with Hubbs about my lack of sex drive & he understood, but was determined to try a variety of "games" to get the old me back.

Game #1 - Role play. Hubbs is a hot masseur named "Matthew" whose only goal is to please me. Fun, worked & I'd totally recommend. I get a nice rub down along with the main course.

Game #2 - Porn. Raunchy, hardcore porn. Too much information? Maybe. Too much fun? Definitely. We've continued to switch things up & we use this trick maybe once a month.

I know what you're thinking. Why is a good, Christian mother engaging in this kind of behavior? Something only a 15 year old highschool boy with nothing better to do than sit around with a bottle of Jergens & box of Kleenex does on his lonely nights?

Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lovelies. And desperate we were.

Game #3 - Lingerie. I decided I was going to have to brush away the cobwebs to my lingerie drawer at some point. Moths, be gone! My crotch-less panties only need one hole, thank you.

Game #4 - Ok so this one isn't really a game, but it helped. KY intense. If you haven't tried it, you're missing out.

So, good 'ole Aunt Flo came to visit for the first time last week since October 2008. Sucks right? Or does it?? You want to know the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning to soaked panties? It wasn't the dreaded toe curling cramps I was blessed with. Nope. Not even the fact that I need to use Ultra sized tampons, which I soak out of every 45 minutes, entered my mind. The first thing I thought was...

"Yes, an excuse to get out of sex for a whole week!"

Bad Mrs.F. And poor Mr.F. Don't get me wrong... once I'm in the act it's quite enjoyable. With lots of KY. And a bra (against Hubbs liking) to avoid unnecessary smacking in the eyes with these stretch marked things that now hang (as opposed to sit) from my chest. And damnit... I have a sexy ass husband. Why can't I get in the mood?

I try not to deny Hubbs when he hints to me by performing the "weiner smack"... you know that thing guys do when they stand there nude & twist their hips from side to side rapidly to make it smack left & right? Or is it just my man who does that? Either way, who can resist that?!

So, we're making progress slowly, but surely. I'm lucky to have a thoughtful husband who only asks to get in my pants once a day. He's lucky to have a thoughtful wife who agrees to it more often than not... even if I'm totally not feeling it. Gotta keep your men happy, ladies. He showers me in compliments all day & I love him for it. Even right after I gave birth when my belly looked like a deflated balloon & my vag looked like a capitol W... he still managed to tell me I looked like a million bucks. That's true love!

Will I ever feel like a horny teenager again? Probably not. But we're having fun trying to get back the love life we once had. And a glass of chardonnay at night helps a bit too ;)

Guest Blogger: TheHeirToBlair

so as i promised, this week is "Guest Blogger Week"!

and first up is the very funny, talented, lovely & homecoming queen of the internet: Miss Blair. that's right- the one & only Blair from The Heir To Blair. make sure you swing by her corner of the internet world- you probably won't want to leave... (but don't forget to come back here)!

She's provided ya'll with the most romantic love story ever. So without further dudes- here it is:

"I met Nate in January 2002 in a Feminist Rhetoric Class.

Yeah. You read that correctly.

But it was either that or poetry, & since I failed THIRD GRADE POETRY, I was pretty sure Feminist Rhetoric was the better bet. Nate, one of the two males in the class, knew he could get an A with our professor. Those rugged good looks make even bra-burning professors weak in the knees! Fast forward a few months into the class after I royally pissed off every female in the class with radical ideas of no white after Labor Day & keeping the word "obey" in the marriage vows. In the middle of the semester, we were given the task of group work. Since my classmates hated me, I figured I would do the project on my own (like, whatever. I could totally do it better anyways. huff.)

Until a boy with reddish curls & really strange sandals grabbed my arm after class. "Hey," Nate said. "You're really smart. Do you want to be in my group?"

What he should have said, to quote Relient K, is "Nice to meet you. I'm your other half."

But we were both seriously dating other people at that time. So we did what came natural...we became the best of friends. & one day when I was particularly heartbroken, Nate wrote out a full list of all the reasons a man should love me.

But because I'm as thick as molasses, I did not see it. Even though everyone else, including Stevie Wonder, saw it. Skip ahead 2 years, 2 boyfriends (mine), 3 girlfriends (his), and you have us both miraculously single at the same time. One day, we broke our careful platonic boundaries & hugged on the sidewalk, outside of the business school. To quote Pioneer Woman, MY HINEY TINGLED. All the way down to my toes until I was sure I single-handedly powered the city with all the electricity running through my veins. FROM A SIMPLE HUG.

& then the flirting started. I batted my lashes. We had a water-gun fight on The Quad. We met for lunch, had an impromptu date at O'Charley's, & one night after a wild celebration on his impending graduation, I insisted that he crash in my dorm room rather than make the drive home. (I really liked him, you know, & preferred not to see him on the evening news).

Remember college? The twin bunk beds? No room for a couch in the 10x10 cell they call a room? ahh, memories. So we piled into my bed. Both of us covered up like nuns, facing each other but terrified of touching. COOTIES, y'all. I laid there, still as a churchmouse. Waiting for him to kiss me. I eventually gave up & fell asleep, leaving Nate wide awkae mentally kicking himself. HE'S IN BED. WITH A WOMAN. PRACTICALLY WEARING A PARKA TO ENSURE CHASTITY. When we woke up the next morning, I emotionally gave up. Until he leaned in & kissed me.

Dressed like nuns, squeezed in a twin bed, with morning breath. The last first kiss of my entire life!

& what followed was over a year of complete, absolute bliss:

What keeps our love strong?

No, seriously. We do. But we're that perfect combination of opposite enough to attract, similar enough to stay together. I know, so sweet that I just gave you ten cavities! After spending the summer of 2005 apart due to my work as a camp counselor, Nate slipped a diamond ring on my finger. (I'll have to have him guest blog to tell you how he asked my father for their blessing -- HI-larious.)

& eleven months later, I put on a huge white dress & met him at the end of an aisle...

Starting with a morning breath kiss that ended with a kiss on an alter, claiming him as MINE."

gettin' crafty

so i'm getting crafty this weekend/upcoming week.

yep- i'm going to get my hands dirty & make something ridiculously cute, come back & show it to all of you. i promise.

and if you're wondering how i'm going to find time for this between working, mothering, wifeing, twittering, facebooking & blogging- FEAR NOT!!!

the blogging part will be covered- how you ask? well, miss blair, miss southernbelle & mrsforeste are going to be guest blogging next week- do you recall me telling you this? i think you do!

monday = miss blair telling us all about her torrid love affair with her dashing husband, nate.
and becuse i'm kind, here's a little sneak preview:

"I met Nate in January 2002 in a Feminist Rhetoric Class.
Yeah. You read that correctly.
But it was either that or poetry, & since I failed THIRD GRADE POETRY, I was pretty sure Feminist Rhetoric was the better bet. Nate, one of the two males in the class, knew he could get an A with our professor. Those rugged good looks make even bra-burning professors weak in the knees..." theheirtoblair

ooooh! intrigued? well make sure to come back on monday to read the rest & swoon over blair/nate peek-tures.

it's like a mini harlequin romance novel (minus the heaving bosom & throbbing member parts)

uber romantic with a dash of hilarious. a must read!

and as always:


many thanks!

guest bloggers & BlogHer 10'

so- a few things today:

1. check it:

yeah- for real. i've been debating & such & i finally caved. HOWEVER- my work conference is the exact same dates this year & it's being held in none other than the fab city of VEGAS!
so- if they ask me to attend then i'm 99% sure my ass'll be on a plane to Vegas. i won't know till june though so i didn't want to hold off. we'll have to wait & see.

2. i'm going to be having a few guest bloggers!!! who you might ask? when? well here's the plan:

- Mon March 15th: The Heir To Blair

- Wed March 17th: As The Forest [e] Grows

- Fri March 19th: The Southern Belle Baby

you're stoked, right? because i sure am! each of these ladies have earned my respect & adoration in the e-world. i've been faithfully stalking each blog since it's conception & i feel like i've watched them grow (corny i know)

so, here's what i need from you (my awesome readers)!

what would you like EACH of these lovely ladies to blog about???

sex? booze? marrige? bebes? weight? money? global warming???

it's your choice! so here's the deal- leave a comment letting me know what you want each lady to blog on (it can be a seperate topic for each gal or the same topic for all 3)

the comments will be open until Sunday March 7th & i will let the ladies choose 1 each & everyone know the results on Monday March 8th!

sound like a plan? yay!

please please PRETTY PLEASE leave comment/suggestions- i promise that each of these girls will have you on the edges of your seats- promise!

p.s. also, if you'd like to be a guest blogger in the future, shoot me an email! :)