well what do you know?

BFP!? yeah- crazy huh? as soon as i saw these lines pop up i started bawling- unfortunately they weren't tears of joy as one might think- ugh, here's the story:

my BETA after my FET was on 09/19 and it was negative (it was a 4- but yeah)
so i was ok with that, my period came & went & i moved on. then this past weekend i started bleeding & cramping & etc (see below entries) so i finally called the RE & went in for bloodwork & an ultrasound.
well they called & told me that my BETA is 364!!! what?! how?! so i drive back to Lexington & the dr asked a bunch of questions to try & rule out an ectopic. honestly though, they're not sure yet what's going on. it's too early to see anything so we'll just have to wait & see.
most likely this is a non-viable pregnancy (m/c) & it'll either pass on it's own or i'll need a little help (in the way of a shot or two)

aaaaaaah! so yeah- i don't even know. i'm trying not to focus on this- something i've wanted so bad & for so long is in my grasp & i'm not going to be able to keep it. it's not fair- that about sums it up.

anyway- i was lying on the bed, holding the FRE, sobbing & feeling sorry for myself when i saw a little paw shoot out- i had to laugh. gary was attacking the pee stick with a fury. it was hilarious. i got some pictures & started laughing histarically...and then started crying again. ugh- SO UNFAIR!!!! i want to ask God why? but i hate to question Him- He knows what He's doing & He has a plan for me- hopefully it includes a little bird :)



anyway- i'll keep everyone updated & we'll see where this all goes. i hate waiting- ugh.
wow- 2 lines on a stick- i really can't get over it. ::le sigh::

update

so my stomach still hurts & i'm still bleeding so i called my RE- i have to go in for bw & an US tomorrow because my beta from last week was a 4 instead of a 0 and they need to make sure there is nothing "in there". according to my RE's office- anything over a 2 is positive, but i thought it was anything over 5- so who knows? all i know is that my stomach hurts & i'm sick of bleeding.

also- i just purchased another year long VIP FF subscription- awesome.

what the hell?

if anyone wants to explain this to me then feel free!

after my failed FET, my period came & went by the 19th. then i spotted for a day like usual & then it stopped. then along comes the 25th and i start spotting again like my period is on it's way. ok weird- but no biggie.

along comes yesterday- we were going to the fair early so we left & went to my parent's house first to drop the dogs off- i'm feeling a little bloated & gassy(?!) but i chalk it up to the Fiber Tablets i've been taking- but then my stomache really starts to hurt & i'm looking more bloated than ever- like really bad cramps, gas & a stomache ache. maybe my pants are too tight?
we start walking around at the fair & i still hurt, but i'm also hungry- so who knows? then my cramps are horrible & i've got to pee again so we go to the bathrooms- well i take a look & BAM- it looks like my period has started. wtf?! it just ended? i'm so confused!!! whatever i guess. so we walk around more & i feel a couple gushes (gross) so when we get to my parents i go check & sure enough, more bleeding/clots. this sucks.

well we go home & i basically bleed for the rest of the day & feel like i did after my ET (crampy, bloated, aweful) i'm not bleeding much by the time i go to bed so oook- but when i get up this morning to pee, BAM- more blood & my stomache feels worse. now it's not really like cramps- more like an aweful stomache ache that's radiating from my pelvis all the way up. like when i press on my stomache or pelvis area, it hurts.

ugh-anyway. the bloating isn't as bad & it doesn't hurt as bad as yesterday but i still don't know what's going on. it's not a UTI because i've had one of those & that was different. there is no blood in my urine & it doesn't burn when i pee or anything. its just...?!

any ideas?! any doctors read this blog? i think i'll let this run it's course & see how i feel tomorrow. i can still function so it can't be that bad, right?
this is super lame. oh, here's my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1c360d

it's everywhere- like a disease

i found out last week that 2 women i work with are pregnant. one, has an almost 2 year old & the other has a 15 year old. the latter also still smokes, drinks, lives on coffee, eats like crap & etc etc. no fair. at all.

then this morning i had to get my teeth cleaned- well i got there early & waited in the parking lot for the office to open, so i get to watch everyone walk in. lo & behold, my usual hygenist drives in, gets out & is quite obviously pregnant. i hate the dentist as it is, but this just put me over the top. thankfully, one of the other hygenists cleaned my teeth this morning. one of the obviously not pregnant ones. i mean, she's older & has kids, but at least she's not knocked up right now.

and then i get to work & the annoying girl who just got back from maternity leave, is talking to my other cw (who has a 16 month old) about all things baby- and how her friends are KU & how she went shopping for baby stuff this weekend & how much she loves babies and baby things & being a mother. and where are they having this conversations? why, right behind my desk of course! could there be a more appropriate place? nooo, of course not.

and lastly, a few of the nest ladies all found out that they were pregnant this past week/end. some of these BFP's resulted from an FET or IVF or a very natural cycle. while i'm happy for each of them, i still kills me. it doesn't matter that they may or may not have struggled as much as i have, it's still hard to digest the news & i'm insanely jealous. anyone who is still struggling to get pregnant and says that it's not hard, or that they're not envious as well, is a liar. just because you're happy for someone doesn't make you immune to anger or jealousy. i hate that this is what i've become but i don't know what to do. i pray that God will take these feeling away and i try & focus on everything that i do have- but it doesn't help. there is always a reminder of the one thing that we want that we cannot have.

lol twilight

so i have this sick obsession with a 17 year old vampire named, Edward- wtf?! i love him- i love it- i love it ALL!
there is something else i love- it's called "spoofs" & "funnies"- so thanks to a lovely fellow nestie- i have several to share with you. be warned- you will die laughing:
LOL!
LOL AGAIN!

(New Moon)
http://community.livejournal.com/lion_lamb/1651773.html

LOL! i almost peed my pants!
and last- but not least: http://www.screeninglog.com/journal/2008/9/15/funny-twilight-trailer-spoof-hits.html

SERIOUSLY!!! i'm dying over here. oh man- i need to get a life.

8dpfet = CD1

FET#2 = big f-ing no
oh.my.God. periods after treatment cycles are THE WORST! i feel like my uterus is falling out.

oh, and also, i'm over the whole bummed out, i'm so sad this isn't working thing- now, i'm just PISSED! FURIOUS! this is UNACCEPTABLE! there is NO reason that all 3 of the "finest IF treatments that money can buy" have FAILED! this is WICKED LAME! it's not FAIR! why do some women get 2 babies, even 3 babies, and i can't even have !?! ugh. i'm so done.

i called and demanded that they move my BETA up to 09/19 (fri) instead of making me wait till 09/22 (mon)- hell, i'll be done my period by friday- so why the frick do i have to go in anyways?!
losers- oh, and my wtf?! appt is scheduled for Oct 6th @ 1:30pm. you better believe i'm gonna go in there and demand answers & more testing!!!

ugh- lame. whatever. i'm done. i'm just gonna focus on working out and getting super skinny again (lol @ again- i've never been super skinny) so i can be hot and stuff. word.

7dpfet

umm- nothing new. anyway.

i heard two things today that got to me in totally different ways:

1. my former boss (he used to be my boss at my current job but he got a new job about a year ago) and his wife had IF- they tried to get pregnant for a little over a year & finally had to do IUI- well it was weird because i actually ran into them at my RE's office, and my & my boss (at the time) were both like..."heeey...yeah"
anyway- moving on, him & his wife got pregnant with their first IUI- when he told me i was happy for them, but super jealous because my own IVF#1 had just failed.
well i just found out today, from another woman i work with, that they were pregnant with twin girls and that they just lost them last week at 23 weeks. i'm so heartbroken for them- i can't even imagine what they're going through.
i'm going to send them a card- but i really don't know what to say. what do you say to parents that have lost their children? what do you say.

2. my other former boss (she was the "head honcho" when i first started but then she demoted herself to spend more time with her new baby who is almost 2 now) is pregnant with her second & she's due in march. i'm so jealous- she gets pregnant really easily & i just knew she was planning on it soon- ugh. she's really nice & all but it's gonna be hard to see her waddling around

poo- what a day.