Wednesday, June 29, 2011

road rage

i am what some might consider an "aggressive driver"

i have, on more than one occasion, ridden the ass of a speed limit abiding citizen; all the while gesturing furiously at them from the safety of my vehicle.

i have also passed someone on a double yellow simply because if i stayed behind them for another mile i was liable to consider doing unspeakable things to them.

but road rage towards other humans is not what i'm here to discuss today.
no- it's road rage towards a few of God's creatures. mainly, chipmunks.

just in case you're not from planet earth & have no idea what a chipmunk is- here is a nifty little diagram:



what. the. hell. is wrong with chipmunks?!?!

why do they want to die so bad? why do they seemingly have no desire to live & frolick & stuff their cheeks with nuts???

why do they dart out from the side of the road, at the very last second, causing you to either:
a. slam on your brakes so hard that you fear you've just voided your car's warranty

b. kill. them. dead.

i'm not entirely sure- but i think i might have an idea.
this is what i imagine a chipmunk's brain looks like:


so simple, yet ominously kamikaze.

i suspect that they hole up in their underground lairs trying to decide on a time where they will show the world their agenda by making us kill them (...what?)

and they must have decided the time is now. the summer of 2011.
because so far this month i've killed no less than 5 chipmunks. 5!!!

before June 2011 i had a pretty clean record.

- 1 weasel
- 2 squirrels
- 1 chipmunk
- 1 bird

not bad for 9 years on the road.
but horrifically, that list is getting bigger & bigger thanks to chipmunk population control (this is the only explaination that makes any sense)

my latest casualty was yesterday afternoon. after a quick stop at Target (which may or may not have had me driving in a haze of euphoria) i was headed towards home as i saw a chipmunk dash across the road.

thankfully (or so i thought) i was far enough away that he had more than enough time to make it across to safety. yay! happy chipmunk. happy me.

but as i got closer i clearly witnessed him stop. turn. and then dash BACK across the road & throw himself under my tires.



i felt the telltale thump & when i looked in my rearview mirror i saw the carnage i had left in my wake.
thankfully he was really dead because there was no twitching or attempting to get up.
(those are the worst hit & runs because you feel like you should stop & help, but come on. it's a freaking chipmunk who was clearly bent on ending his/her life. totes not your fault)

i admit, the Target haze did help soothe the guilt i felt- but still.
i'm sure chipmunks are supposed to die at some point- that's the circle of life after all.
but i don't think my 3 ton vehicle is legitimately part of that circle of life.

that spot is reserved for gary cat (who has been on his own murderous spree & has been depositing dead things on our back porch, every night, for the past several months...including chipmunks)

anyway. i got home a few minutes later & declared to myself that i'd be even more dilligent to watch out for suicidal chipmunks.
but as i stepped out of the car, i spotted a chipmunk (with adorably stuffed cheeks) sitting not even 2 feet away & judging by his very visual thoughts, i realized that my efforts to save the lives of chipmunks is futile:


eff me.

that whole "thou shalt not murder" commandment doesn't include chipmunks- does it?

(all pictures via google & enhanced by me)
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Sassy Silly Spunky Momma said...

Dead from laughing so hard! Love it!

Traci said...

this post was no less than awesome. if i was a chipmunk, I would totally choose YOU to be the one to complete my destiny and send me off to my 40 chipmunk virgins or whatever. :)

Rebekah said...

While I adore pictures and posts about your beautiful girls, posts like these seriously make. my. freaking. day.

And, side note, a HUMMINGBIRD flew into my BIL's helmet yesterday as he was heading to work. Killed the poor thing with his FACE!!!

Annie said...

Um...T-Bird, you know who this is! I have not killed ONE single animal (with my car) in ten years of driving...just sayin! Maybe reevaluate who is REALLY at fault ya vehicular chimpmunkslaughterer you! :-P

P.S. Love the blog!