Wednesday, April 7, 2010

true story

so when i was little, i was the ultimate tomboy.
and by ultimate i mean- could have won a tomboy award.

i'm wearing a dress but still "skinning the cat" on the monkey bars? hell yeah.
you can see my panties cause i'm doing cartwheels in a skirt? hell yeah.
oh, you dare me to eat that? hell yeah.
arm wrestle? i'll win. hell yeah.
you want me to join the "boys are cooler than girls club"? hell yeah.

it was to the point where my mother seriously started fearing that her only daughter was in fact, her 4th son (thankfully when i was 13 my younger sister came along- and then another when i was 15, so she washed her hands of me and focused on girling the shit out of them)

well- i'm not sure this has anything to do with being a tomboy, but my big "thing" as a child was my absolute hatred of nail polish.
i'm not sure where it came from or why it was so strong- but the thought, sight or smell of nail polish would literally send me running for the hills.

i recall my first day of first grade. OH BOY! i'm in the first grade! i'm so cool! i'm bigger than the kindergarteners & way smarter than the readiness students! (totally mean- but this was the reality)

so as i sat down on the "class friendship rug" i was pretty pumped. i just knew i was gonna find a best friend and it was gonna be just great!
so imagine my pure joy when a pretty little blond sat down next to me (and by "next to me" i mean practically in my lap because that's how things are done in the first grade. no personal space)
i checked her out- she was pretty (score) and had straight, blond hair (double score- i had curly brown hair & loathed it) i mean, she was wearing a dress & mary janes but i knew that girls liked "that stuff" so it was ok.
a friendship was imminent- i could feel it. she smiled at me & i almost combusted right then & there because BY GOLLY, SHE WAS MISSING THE SAME TOOTH THAT I WAS!!!

"hi, i'm rebekah. with a k, not a c like other rebeccas!"

her voice- it was like bells. beautiful. my friend- rebekah with a k.

"hi, i'm trina. i like boy stuff better than girl stuff. but we can still play together!"

my voice- hoarse from screaming the night before because my mother wouldn't let me wear my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt to school


and that was that. we were interrupted by the teacher announcing that just because her son was also in this class, didn't mean that he was her favorite. liar.

anyway- she then announced that after we set up our desks (hello Lisa Frank & TMNT trapper keeper explosion) that we would be heading outside for recess. i could barely contain myself. an almost best friend & recess?! zomg.

so we lined up & marched single file outside- the teacher explained the rules (no spitting, hitting, biting, eating ABC gum- etc) we were released.
now, the entire scool had recess at the same time- so all of the other grades were outside as well- it was like kid overload. i'd never seen so many kids in one place.
i was momentarily struck dumb by the site of 8th GRADERS! omg! they're so big & tall & cool!

but whatever- i ran off to explore.
then all of a sudden- "trina!"

she was skipping towards me with a big smile & outstretched hands. i started towards her, stoked to show her the penny i'd just found- and then it happened.

now- i wanted you to really see what happened next so i drew you a picture- be warned, it's very graphic and might be disturbing to some viewers:

that's right friends. my beautiful rebekah was wearing bright pink nail polish.
how could this be???
how would we be besties if i couldn't even hold her hand?! (did i mention that? did i mention that the thought of holding hands with a girl wearing nail polish was enough to send me in convulsions? because it was- and i wouldn't)

i was frozen. i had to make a decision. what was i going to do? i liked her SO much!!!
well, as she reached for my hand, i quickly grabbed her arm a declared that we couldn't hold hands. she was momentarily confused until i explained that i was "very sick and con-tay-jus!" (i'd just learned that word- i was stoked to use it)

she quickly agreed that she didn't want to get sick because she had a birthday party to attend that weekend (what a stoke of luck!) so we would hold arms instead!

there was only one word to describe me at that moment- GIDDY! giddy with relief.
we skipped off to play and i made DAMN sure her nasty, nail polish hand didn't touch me- not even once!

and that was that.

eventually my weird phobia became an issue because group time = circle time = hand holding time. well i usually managed to stand between rebekah (who was now totally down with arm holding) and one of the boys. but every now and then i'd get stuck next to some stupid girl who INSISTED on holding my hand, cause "teacher said SO!". stupid harlot.

when i'd refuse, she'd cry & the teacher would look at me sternly. so i would gingerly hold her hand- or rather, the side of her hand, with my thumb & 1st finger. that was the best they were gonna get outta me.

the teacher had a conference with my parents & they threatened to beat the pants off me if i didn't comply. too bad suckas- not doin' it.

so i got my ass whooped.
oh well- still not doing it.

whooped again.
so what.

eventually my parents feared retaliation from CPS so my teacher agreed to let me where gloves during circle time.

trina - 1. nail polish - 0.

well, rebekah finally realized that i wasn't "con-tay-jus" and that i simply didn't like nail polish. and you know what? because she was obviously the best friend in the entire world- she stopped wearing nail polish. i wanted to marry her.
the first time we held hands (for realsies) it was like the planets had aligned. we both felt it.

update: sadly, at the end of the year, rebekah's parents decided to move the family to idaho (who the eff moves to idaho?!) so even though we promised to be pen pals & besties 4 ever- it didn't happen. i mean, i was only 7 and my mother got tired of writing out dictated letters full of "i found a penny yesterday" & "i really want a puppy but mom is mean & said no" & "i love ice cream- but not as much as i love you!" ...etc etc.

i wonder if she wears nail polish?

i'd love to tell you that eventually i grew up & realized that nail polish wasn't some sort of evil girl acid that was going to eat through my hands- but that would be a lie. because TO THIS DAY- i still loathe nail polish.

will i be civil and shake/hold hands? well of course, because i'm a mature adult.
but do i still cringe inside? hell freaking yeah.

i effing hate nail polish...

(cept clear & some sparkly ones- cause i am at least 5% girl somehwere inside)

and if you still like me after reading that: clicky?

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Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I seriously nearly died of laughter at this. First, you called her a harlot. LOVE. Second, your picture and its commentary. LOVE MORE. Thirdly, you. LOVE MOST.

This is my favorite post you've ever done, FYI. :)

CLML said...

LMAO--at the story, not your phobia. It would be awesome if you were still friends with Rebekah.

t.bird said...

ok so i totally updated thanks to you CLML- i forgot to finish with rebekah :)

Amanda said...

I love nail polish (even have a nail polish BLOG!) (ok, it's a page on my "regular blog") (wait, why am I even explaining this - you stopped reading after "love" and "nail polish" made the first sentence)


We can be friends, for realsies?

Erica said...

i love nail polish HOWEVER....I can't wear it because i have some ridiculous nail condition (long story) ....but still LMBO!!! Effin hilarious!

Care said...

Hhahahaa this made me LOL. I was a bit of a tomboy too. No nail polish either. (I wear it now though and never had a phobia, just a Mom that didn't let me wear that stuff. grrr) I bet we woulda been friends in Kindergarten. Did you have that rusty metal smell from playing on the monkey bars too much? I always reeked like ass!! hahahaa.

Grace said...

Hooray for Lisa Frank and Trapper Keepers! Do they make grown up office supplies? LOVE this post!

janineb said...

the picture is perfection :) but does this mean you won't hold my hand when we meet?
::sad face::

t.bird said...

jess: duh :)

amanda: errr- we can be friends. but no touching!

erica: i'm sad for you- but sort of not really cause i hate it. lol.

care: dude- i smelled like ASS! and i fell asleep on the monkey bars once- no lie. you know the ones that look like a dome? yeah- lucky i didn't break my neck.

grace: i hope...not? ha!

janine: i probably won't- but i'll hold your arm!

kim said...

Hahaha!!! Love!

And I moved to Idaho. ;)

C said...

This post is totally awesome. The picture alone with the frogs that you would have rather played with, cracked my shit up!!

Hiker - Kelly B said...

I knew we were meant to be! I hate nail polish too. Especially on feet!!

Rachel said...

Did you seriously just call a six year old a harlot? BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Awesome. I am totally LOLing! This story is hysterical! And seriously... Idaho?! Whatever, Rebekah's parents.

Rebekah said...

You kill me! The picture is too much!

And that is how I used to introduce myself.(ok, and sometimes still do) :)