Thursday, July 1, 2010
better late than never. i have a bunch more that still need editing- but i figured out how to upload them from iPhoto to LR3 pretty late last night (8pm is late for me people) so i could only squeeze one out this morning at 4:30 (yawn)
so- not to be overly sappy, but i really love my kid.
yesterday i sat down and watched a video called Choosing Thomas
the story: the parents find out that their son has Trisomy 13- yet they choose to carry him to term & let him live whatever life the Lord has in store for him. however short it may be.
it it incredibly sad. very real & very heartbreaking.
if you choose to watch it, you will cry. i'm not sure how anyone could sit through the entire video with dry eyes. the amount of love & pain that is expressed is enough to make you stop & catch your breath. the parents are totally open & honest- you get to see the birth & the 5 following days of Thomas' life. you watch as his parents beg him to stay with them & then beg him to go home.
you watch as they experience every emotion that you can possibly think of.
as much as i wanted to, i couldn't seperate myself from their situation. and at the same time, i couldn't even imagine the amount of pain they must have been in.
it made me rush to my mother's house, grab alex & simply hold her.
it made me not want to put her down for the next 18 years.
it made me sad that i get annoyed, frusterated, tired, irked- etc etc etc.
it made me feel incredibly guilty for not always wanting to be with alex. holding her, playing with her, making her happy- all those things that i know Thomas' parents wish they could do everyday.
however- even as i swore to myself that i would never get annoyed with alex again, i found myself incredibly frusterated 10 minutes later when she all but refused to lay still so i could change her. "child, you're POOPY! LET ME CHANGE YOU!!!"
but then i realized that i'm human. and that it's OK to feel all of the above emotions. it's OK to take a little time for myself. it's OK!
so as i finally scraped the last of the poo off her little tush & plopped her in the bath- i promised the good Lord that i would try harder to do "better". to be more patient, thankful, forgiving, loving- all of those things that i fall horribly short of doing on a daily basis. because that's what alex should see.
i'm SO not perfect- but i CAN be better.
so, as said i'm not trying to be super sappy or tell anyone how they should live, i just wanted to express that even amidst all the "fluff" that i may write about- i do have deep thoughts & feelings.
and i REALLY love my kid. even when she touches her poopy butt and then wipes it on my arm.