Monday, July 21, 2008


*UPDATE* my period just started- it's just aweful too. seriously. who bleeds this much? heh. i'm in such a bad mood today- i mean, i'm not really even angry or sad (well maybe a little) but i'm just...defeated. like, i'm so moody, pissy and i just want to be a bitch to everyone. but i'm being nice- i'm smiling & helpful & pleasant simply because i don't want to be a bitch to people who don't understand why i'm so bitchy- it's not fair to them. it's not their fault. i told brandon yesterday that i wasn't KU- he was a little depressed afterwards- but what can you do?
i called my RE's nurses & asked if i could skip my beta- i don't want to go. they're going to make me, but i don't want to. i just want to have another WTF?! appt & yell at my wicked nice, little, meek RE. ugh.
sooo, thanks to my cramping & spotting & temps drops, i know that this didn't work. even still, i have to go for my unnecessary BETA tomorrow- lame. i wish they would just let you not go- i mean, i'd rather not waste gas for no reason. but whatever.

i was pretty optimistic about this working- i really was. but it didn't. so where do i go from here? i'm a pretty positive person, until it comes to getting pregnant. i'm 50/50 on being certain that i will ever actually get pregnant.
one part of me REALLY wants it to happen, so it believes that it will. but the realistic, reasonable, negative side of me thinks that maybe it just won't. maybe i'll be that woman that just can't have kids. you know, that middle aged, childless woman you see staring hungrily at children playing in the park. the one that everyone knows, wanted kids- but just can't have them. the woman that i never thought i might have to be.
who knows?

anyway- after my BETA tomorrow i'll call & schedule another WTF?! appt. i'm going to demand a re-look at my tubes. they're blocked- well ok, with what? is it scar tissue? is it fluid? if it is, in fact fluid, is it toxic fluid that is leaking into my uterus & killing anything that even attempts to implant? if so, do they need to be removed to give me a better chance? oor, are they even really blocked? i had one HSG & no LAP, so how do they really know? i'm going to ask for a LAP- what if there is some shit going on in there that i don't know about? implantation- do i have an issue with it? is it because the embryo can't attach? or does it even make it out of the shell? do we need to consider assisted hatching? do we need some embryo glue or something?! good Lord!!
we need answers here. so i hope they can get us in sooner, rather than later. ugh.

so yeah- that's that. at least i can finally go to the gym this week- oh yeah, and drink this weekend at the t.bird/adkins GTG!!! wooo hooo! it'll be fun!!

at least i have cute puppies & a super GTG coming up, to take my mind off of all this crap.
it still sucks though- i mean, i basically want to throw up every time i see a baby or pregnant woman. literally.
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Trevor's Bride said...

I'm sorry girl. Hopefully you can get some answers with the RE.

sara said...

I'm really sorry, tbird.


E_Sharp said...

Shitty. Sorry tbird.
I know what you mean about struggling between optimism and pessimism. I hope everything works out for you.
All you can do is keep on trucking.

iHikeandRun said...

I'm so very sorry TBird. I wanted this so much for you. Keep your chin up.

Sasha & Mark said...

I'm really sorry. You're stronger than I would be at not being bitchy! :)

I'd go to the WTF?! appt, but I'd also consider getting a second opinion, if there is another RE you could see. It just seems like something more than statistics is going on.

Take care and take your time before you rush to the next step.

True Companions Plus One? said...

Oh tbird, I am so, so sorry. I really hope you can get into your RE quickly and they can give you some answers. I was so upset that my answers jsut turned into - it could just be the percentages/odds weren't in your favor that time. Ugh - I know they won't probably look closer until the 2nd time. So I really hope they can get you some real answers and you can move forward in a positive direction. I really do know what you eman about the 50/50 - it's a sucky feeling either way. Please keep us posted and please remember we're here if you ever need to vent or be b!tchy!

ajvann said...

I'm so sorry! I completly agree with you about getting the lap. I just had my 2nd lap and they ligated my blocked tubes so the fluid in them (and apparently there is always fluid in them) can't spill into my uterus and effect the embryos. Apparently our odds would have decreased by 50% with IVF if we had not done this 1st. I hope you can get some answers, find the problem and get it fixed. Good luck, if you have any questions about what we did feel free to page me! Good luck, I'll be thinking about you. Try to stay positive.

JenM said...

I'm so sorry tbird. I was rooting for you. Doesn't the hope/damn hope cycle suck? I hope the RE has some answers and you can move forward with more information. Good luck.