*UPDATE* my period just started- it's just aweful too. seriously. who bleeds this much? heh. i'm in such a bad mood today- i mean, i'm not really even angry or sad (well maybe a little) but i'm just...defeated. like, i'm so moody, pissy and i just want to be a bitch to everyone. but i'm being nice- i'm smiling & helpful & pleasant simply because i don't want to be a bitch to people who don't understand why i'm so bitchy- it's not fair to them. it's not their fault. i told brandon yesterday that i wasn't KU- he was a little depressed afterwards- but what can you do?
i called my RE's nurses & asked if i could skip my beta- i don't want to go. they're going to make me, but i don't want to. i just want to have another WTF?! appt & yell at my wicked nice, little, meek RE. ugh.
sooo, thanks to my cramping & spotting & temps drops, i know that this didn't work. even still, i have to go for my unnecessary BETA tomorrow- lame. i wish they would just let you not go- i mean, i'd rather not waste gas for no reason. but whatever.
i was pretty optimistic about this working- i really was. but it didn't. so where do i go from here? i'm a pretty positive person, until it comes to getting pregnant. i'm 50/50 on being certain that i will ever actually get pregnant.
one part of me REALLY wants it to happen, so it believes that it will. but the realistic, reasonable, negative side of me thinks that maybe it just won't. maybe i'll be that woman that just can't have kids. you know, that middle aged, childless woman you see staring hungrily at children playing in the park. the one that everyone knows, wanted kids- but just can't have them. the woman that i never thought i might have to be.
anyway- after my BETA tomorrow i'll call & schedule another WTF?! appt. i'm going to demand a re-look at my tubes. they're blocked- well ok, with what? is it scar tissue? is it fluid? if it is, in fact fluid, is it toxic fluid that is leaking into my uterus & killing anything that even attempts to implant? if so, do they need to be removed to give me a better chance? oor, are they even really blocked? i had one HSG & no LAP, so how do they really know? i'm going to ask for a LAP- what if there is some shit going on in there that i don't know about? implantation- do i have an issue with it? is it because the embryo can't attach? or does it even make it out of the shell? do we need to consider assisted hatching? do we need some embryo glue or something?! good Lord!!
we need answers here. so i hope they can get us in sooner, rather than later. ugh.
so yeah- that's that. at least i can finally go to the gym this week- oh yeah, and drink this weekend at the t.bird/adkins GTG!!! wooo hooo! it'll be fun!!
at least i have cute puppies & a super GTG coming up, to take my mind off of all this crap.
it still sucks though- i mean, i basically want to throw up every time i see a baby or pregnant woman. literally.