Thursday, August 4, 2011

inside the mind of a child. and an adult.

the husband has often remarked that he wouldn't want to be my brain.
this is because i am incredibly random & somewhat spastic.

(i'm also painfully smart. so smart, in fact, that it hurts - which is probably why he wouldn't want to be my brain. because he would literally be in agony 24/7 - you know what i mean?)

right. but there is a brain that is even more terrifying than my own. in fact, there are several millions of these brains. no, i'm not talking about serial killers or Paris Hilton- i'm talking about my toddler.

your toddler. our toddlers. every toddler in the whole wide world.

no matter how hard i try i cannot grasp how their minds work. how they go from one extreme to another in the blink of an eye. how they love something with all their hearts on Monday at 11am- only to loath it at 3pm. on the same day. not even 5 hours later. whaaaa?

a perfect example of the randomness of toddlers is alex in the car. most trips go something like this.

both girls get buckled in. brynn happily sucking on her fist & alex watching a DVD with a cup of "juice" (she thinks it's juice- it's really flavored water. sucker.)

i drive. about 5 minutes in brynn starts laughing about something. alex decides that brynn isn't allowed to express joy of any kind & promptly screams.
i stare her down in the review mirror & tell her to knock it off. brynn (who adores alex regardless) coos for another 5 minutes or so & then falls asleep.

i drive on. alex finishes her juice & tosses the cup onto the floor. nice kid. thanks for that.
i count down in my head- "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."

"more?"
"honey i'm driving. i'll get you more when we get home. i promise."

...

"more? more juice?" this time she frantically starts signing more as well- as if expressing her desire for more with her mouth & hands is going to move things along

"honey- i'm dri. ving. when we get home."

ok. she's quiet for a minute. she totes understands that mommy is behind the wheel of a 3 ton SUV & doesn't have Go Go Gadget arms. she's going to wait, like the patient little angel she is, for us to arrive home in 25 minutes....

"some? some snack?"
" alex honey...well ok. let me see what i can find."

i manage to snake my arm behind the seat & fish around in the front pocket of the baby bag. i find fruit snacks. success!

"here hon, fruit snacks? you want these?" i hold the bag up so she can see it.
"some! some!" maniacal laughter

i open the bag & pass it back to her. she happily accepts & all is right with the world.
...

"all done. done...."

i ignore her in the hopes that she realizes she is not, in fact, done.

"...posicle?" craaap.
"honey- mommy is driving. we don't have any popsicles. when we get home. i promise."
"DONE SNACK. POSICLE!"
"ALEX- WHEN WE GET HOME! I PROMISE!" at this point i'd promise her a beer if she asked for it. anything to avoid what's coming next.

"AAAIIIIIEEEE!!!!"
"ALEX! ENOUGH!"

::insert thermonuclear meltdown here::

she looks at the bag of half eaten fruit snacks and reacts violently, throwing them away from herself with movie perfection abruptness. almost as if she's just realized that i'm attempting to poison her. then her mouth forms an O. a big, fat O.

like this: O

silent for a second & then loud. so freaking loud. like a locomotive blasting through your head.

"POSICLE! FISH! DADDY! ELMO! GHTYTBEISSKA! JUICE! MILK! GRAPES! BLANKET! NEMO! AHGURJTIJFN!!!!"

there is really no sense in trying to reason with her. as you can see- there are so many things going on inside of her little brain right now that i don't think anything, short of Jesus or Elmo (in real life), would get through to her.

she wails for a minute or so & then goes silent.

i hold my breath & contemplate breaking the 1st & 2nd commandements by praying to the toddler gods & possibly constructing some sort of offering stone on which to sacrafice a goat if they can make her be quiet for the next 15 minutes.

then i remember that the past 9 week's sunday sermons have been about the 10 commandments & the pastor was pretty clear on the fact that God isn't down with us breaking them.

so i re-think the above & just pray to God. that's cool. i didn't want to kill a goat anyway.

i hear Larry the cucumber singing a silly song & then she laughs.

everything is ok now.

"cheese?"
"oh alex, i don't...wait. YES! i DO have cheese!" maniacal laughter (see how the tables have turned?)

i pull a slightly warm cheesestick out of her lunch bag & hand it to her.

"cheese! i LUB IT! MMM!"

awww. she loves cheese.

"momma! car! dog, woof woof! tales tales tales!" she starts singing along with veggie tales.

omg. my kid is a savant. i make a mental note to call the New England Conservatory.

i look in the mirror & see, with relief, that brynn has slept through this entire ordeal. score.
in 10 minutes we'll be home & i can escape from this prison exit the vehicle, lovingly unbuckle my child from her seat & feed her a dinner of "posicles", fish & grapes.

very well balanced.

i drive. i bob my head along to Nicki Minaj & think about how maybe i'd like a vanity plate. hmmm- what would it say? oh crap, we're out of paper towels. we also need toothpaste. OMG! i have a coupon for said toothpaste- yessss. i really wish i'd stuck with ballet, imagine how lithe & graceful i'd be...i wish i knew how to play the piano or the violin. how cool would that be? you know, i could TOTALLY be a background dancer for Britney Spears....PINTEREST! i wish i could sew- i'd make the most perfect little girl's clothes everrrr. i love singing- i have a really good voice i think. i want a new lens. like a $1600 lens. how can i convince the husband..? hawaii?!!! san francisco? NEW YORK! i can't wait for fall- but winter suuucks...

.....

"ice cream?"

DAMNIT!
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13 comments:

Laura said...

You crack.me.up.

Britt said...

HAHAHAHAHA OMG. Seriously we could switch lives and it totally be the same. My lidia needs to meet your Alex... Seriously. I go through this every.single.day.

oh and popsicles are her dinner. everynight. sue me :)

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

AHHHHHHHHHHH! Dying of laughter! In the office! This is great! You paint the most perfect picture of little Alex. Funny because she always looks SOOOOO cute and innocent in her pics. And, I can totally relate. Except I'm a little more brain dead than you. ;-)

Britt said...

Oh yeah and I linked your page to one of my posts... this was too hilarious not to share! Hopey ou dont mind :)

Kara5109 said...

I "like" this post.

MarMat said...

being waiting for this post all week.
Thanks.
::makes a mental note to pack up snacks when driving with toddlers::

have a great weekend

Serendipitie said...

I alternated between laughing so hard I cried and being terrified for 2.5 years from now.

Open Roads Mama said...

ha ha ha ha ha... you are so funnnnnyyyy! :)

end said...

OMG get out of my head!

Stephanie @ Confessions of a Trophy Wife said...

Bahahahaa! DY.ING.! But... it's only funny because it was you and not me. And at the same time, it's funny because I've totally been there, which wasn't funny at the time... hmm...

Lea said...

I freaking love this and YOU! hahaha

jenn said...

this is hilarious! love it!

Carol said...

Hahaha. Turns out toddler brains aren't so different from adult brains, eh?