Thursday, December 1, 2011

30 day hell

so the other day as i was walking past the mirror aisle at Target i noticed that my jeans didn't look as super fly as they once did.

at first i assumed that it was because i need new jeans. but upon closer inspection i realized that it wasn't my jeans that were sagging- it was my ass. and thighs. and anything else on my body that has the ability to sag.

i recoiled in horror & then did that thing. you know- that thing every woman does where she stands sideways in the mirror & lifts her butt with her hands.

here! here is where my butt should be.

and then i did the same with my stomach & chest.
lasty- i stood facing the mirror & pulled the jean fabric at the back of my thighs nice & tight.

oh look- there it is- the elusive thigh gap.
release fabric. no thigh gap. le'sigh.

then a store emplyee walked by & caught me fondling myself.
he smartly averted his eyes & kept walking. that's right buddy- move along. this is my aisle.

i turned around & glared at my children. "this is your fault!" i told them.
and it is- kind of. but not really.

see- thanks to my children i now have "battle scars" - i saw this term used in some empowering woman article crap thing so i've decided to use it. battle scars. like a gladiator. a gladiator that gets torn open & bleeds but doesn't die.

if you think about it, that's actually exactely what happens when you have a kid.

BUT- i do get really skinny after pushing them out. like skinny enough that people ask me if i'm eating. skinny enough that i can wear leggings as pants (i know i know- it's a no no).
skinny enough that i can eat whatever i want & not worry about it.
but then i stop breastfeeding & quickly gain 5 pounds. like legit overnight. 5 pounds. bam.

and then 10. and then, my clothes still fit but i should probably consider a pair of Spanx if i want to wear the form fitting dress.

what i'm getting at is that the extra weight & complete lack of toning & upper body strength is all me. my fault. because i love food & i hate exercise. simple as that.

however, after my Target mirror aisle wake up call i mentioned to the husband that i want to work out. go to the gym. sweat. drink water. wear meshy workout clothes. etc etc.

at first he was like, "are you cheating on me?"

to which i replied, "of course. i'm easily able to squeeze in midday trysts with some guy i met at the grocery store. i have all the time in the world for that. duh."

anyway- he said that was all well & good (me working out, not the trysts) - but when? seriously- when? i have no time. not even 1 hour to slip away to the gym. & that's the honest truth.
i work all day- get home. take care of the girls. the husband gets home at 7. girls go to bed. we eat. now it's 9pm. and only crazy people work out at 9pm & later.

crazy insane people who have a gap between their thighs.

so i was bummin' & then i ate a bunch of cookies & drank Bailey's. for like 4 days. epic.

then yesterday at work i was like- "eff this!" if i'm not knocked up i'm going to be in shape. or at least be able to walk up the stairs without considering the need for an oxygen tank.

so i got home. took care of children. put one child to bed & waited until i saw the husband's truck light in the driveway.

then i rolled out my mat, picked up my 3 pound weights & took a deep breath.

Hello Jillian. how are you? look at you. all in shape. thigh gap. flat stomach. abs. weird face (i'm sorry- it's true). other in shape stuff. cool workout digs. let's dance.

and we did. for 20 minutes Jillian & i had a connection. there were a few interruptions- like alex stealing my weights & pitching a fit because i wasn't paying attention to her. but after the husband realized i was serious (ie: i'm not stopping to control our child), he sighed loudly & took her downstairs.

20 minutes later i was a pile of jelly. Jillian signed off & i dragged my ass to the kitchen & drank water like a dying man in the desert. my hand was shaking a little & some water trickled down my chin.

it was all very dramatic.

then i ate a cookie. for energy. i'm weak.

but yeah. Day 1 of the 30 Day shred = complete. tonight = Day 2. tomorrow, Day 3 & etc etc.
i'm going to do it. because i really don't have any other options.

on top of that- i'm attempting to eat healthy. right? i know, it kind of sucks. a lot. but it's not all bad.
an apple instead of chips. ideal? no. better? yes. i guess. i add a smidge of peanut butter & i get my salty fix.
water instead of juice. this actually isn't bad. i squirt in some Mio & i'm good to go.
oatmeal instead of a muffin. i love oatmeal & it's cold out now. so i'm down.
carrot sticks instead of cookies? not gonna happen. ever. sorry. but at least i only eat 2 cookies istead of 4.

and the list goes on. i'm also adding on the Green Monster Smoothie (i'm sure you've seen it on Pinterest. it's supposed to be the bomb.) & some Weight Loss Water to my daily routine.

i'm excited. i don't expect to look like a mirror body image of Jillian...ok, yes i do...but i do expect to look better in 30 days.

i guess i should take before & after pictures. so that's my goal tonight. before pictures. & straightening my hair- because my office Christmas party is tomorrow & i need to maximize my time so i can attempt to look presentable.

and that's what's up.

so tell me- do you work out? do the 30 day shred? PDX90? lift your butt in the Target mirror aisle?
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SWV said...

this entire post cracked me up, perhaps I even feel the slightest bit inspired. ;)

sherri said...

I also have war wounds, boo. I do the shred, but also LOVE Jillian's No Trouble is longer than the shred, but LOVE it. And I run...babies do awful things to their mommy's bodies!

Erica said...

Hilarious! ...well not the saggy body part....but you get the idea :)

I dont work out but i wanna go to the gym ....i just feel the same way ..."like when do i find the time for that with 2 kids?"

I would love to tone up a bit because damn im only 28....I would still like to look nice in a bikini for a few more years

katie said...

I started the 30 day Shred on Tuesday... I skipped it yesterday and today. My arms are still killing me! I'll start it back up tomorrow.

Desi said...

I have the Jillian Michaels yoga dvd, buuuut its still in the packaging, however I have high hopes that one day I'll take it out and try it ;)

mama foosa said...

I needed this laugh today.

Best of luck with your shred!

I fear the day I stop breastfeeding. I enjoy a good run but no amount of running will cancel out the metric ton of cookies and cookie dough ice cream i consume weekly.

Meghan Camino said...

I was an avid walker for about a year before my mom passed away and although I lost no weight (seriously, ZERO POUNDAGE LOST), I did lose inches and I felt a lot better when climbing the stairs. I need before and after photos too because the no weight loss thing really killed my motivation. I need to get back into the groove, thank you for the motivation!

Kim said...

Ahhhhhh dammit. I've been side eyeing my tummy pooch a lot more often these days. Jillian has been calling to me lately, but I've been ignoring her and her horsey face.

I'll take this as my sign. Dammit dammit dammit. Today is December 1st, that's a nice day to start, right?!


Thanks. :)

PhinneyGirl said...

Weight Watchers is an awesome program - I've been on it almost 3 months and have lost 20 lbs! The first month I just did the diet plan and lost weight, but once I added in exercise I began losing a bit more (and earning extra points to use for dessert and alcohol!)

Faren said...

Ah the dreaded battle scars. Except I have no excuse not to be toned. (I'm thin but not toned and damn it I want my flat stomach back!) Both of my kiddos are go to school in the day and I make a billion excuses of why I can't take an hour out of my day to do my Jackie Warner work out dvd. Shoot if you can make time I definitely have no reason not to.

Btw, I love you blog. You.are.hilarious.

The soon to be Mrs. said...

A. You're making me SO scared to have a child!
B. Your Target aisle butt lifting comment had me laughing so hard my fiance left the room.
C. I'm currently trying/struggling to lose weight before my wedding in 4 months. It was going well for the week I was off for Thanksgiving break (I'm a teacher) then Thanksgiving came along for 2 days in a row and I lost my ability to exercise. The school started again and I said "exercise, WHAT?!" Now this is making me feel guilty and I will promptly wake up tomorrow morning and exercise my life away.
D. Green monster smoothie? I honestly don't know if I can drink something!