Thursday, October 20, 2011

it never ends

last night was spent watching a 2 year old puke up the contents of her stomach onto a shaggy white rug (she wasn't sick- she was pissed) & then attempting to clean her up via a container of wipes (a bath was out of the question)

add to that an hour of rocking her (on my knees) & then another hour of reasoning with her (in an attempt to get her to sleep), plus a screaming session with the husband in regards to God knows what (seriously, i'm still clueless) & lastly skipping dinner (because it was late & i was tired) only to be woken up hours later by my stomach cramping with both hunger & the telltale signs of an unwelcomed monthly guest.

horrible.

i'd like to add that last night was supposed to be my "catch up" night. update this & my food blog. finish pictures. figure out costumes. etc etc etc.

needless to say- none of those things occured. so today i'm just tired & i smell faintly of vomit.

but i can still catch up just a bit:

brynn is 10 months old (this is so late):

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and always on the move.

and alex is 2. terribly, wonderfully, brilliantely 2.

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and they are starting to get along a little better...

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...but only a little.

and sometimes all of the above is just too much. bittersweet.

i have vivid memories of many things. good, bad, so-so.

i can still smell the sweet grass that i used to lie hidden in when i was 10 years old. at the top of a hill i can clearly see the blue sky filled with puffy clouds & i can still feel the rough ground under my palms.

i can clearly recall the silent thrill that rippled through me knowing that i was completely hidden from anyone or anything that might happen to walk by. i can see the thoughts that formed in my brain- how i envisioned simply lying there forever. it was warm. i was happy. the world was simple & it would be so easy to do just this. i watched ants drag grains of sand to their anthill. i listened to crickets & envied the birds that flew overhead.

occasionally i would peak my head out of my hideaway only to quickly pull myself back in the off chance that i might be seen (mainly be my annoying brothers). i'd settle myself back down & spend the next few hours drifting between sleep & daydreams. what a wonderfully endless day.

but then it got darker. my mom called & i knew it was time to head inside. so i got up, brushed myself off and walked down our long driveway as slowely as i could. savoring perfection.

& i can recall being 14 & on a summer mission trip that i thought would never end. a trip that i didn't want to end. i had friends. we were halfway around the world. there was a pretty cool boy in my group (that i sort of, kind of liked- but maybe not really?) i was having the time of my life.

but then the end of august came & it was time to go home. & i cried.

then i was 17 & thrown into the adult world. college. away from home. new friends. boys. girls. temptations. responsibilities.

this was the greatest time yet. it was august & i had 9 months away from home & in a whole new world. 9 months is a long time. surely it would last forever.

but that ended too. as did 19 & 20 & 21.
then i got married (hooray). we went to hawaii. had THE best time. 2 whole weeks.

...& you guessed it. that ended too. (not my marrige- hawaii. whew!)

but it was different. i was finally old enough to realize that good things do end eventually. but then something else comes along. there is always something. so i became more accepting. ok- time flies. i can deal.

then we decided to have a baby. & time seemed to stand still. the one time that i was willing it forward.
negative after negative after negative.
month after month.

then 2 lines. hooray- once again time is on our side.

10 months of knowing that i was the sole lifesource of another human being. & i again found myself wanting it to last forever. like when i was 10.
i was so eager to meet my daughter, yes- but on the same token i was in no way ready to share her with the world.

but nature doesn't care. eventually she made her exit & while i rejoiced in her arrival, i also mourned the loss of what we had. once that cord was cut our relationship became something new. different.

but that's how things work. are you seeing a pattern here?

she cooed. she lifted her head. she rolled. she sat up. she crawled. she walked.

& i saw time quickly slipping away from me. happily but also with a touch of sadness.

& then we did it again. another miracle. 10 more months. sudden labor, a prompt entrance into the world & another cord cut.

coos. crying. snuggles. all of the above all over again.

& here i sit. a 2 year old & a 10 month old. where has the time gone?
i watch them grow & i find myself wanting to freeze time. the right now is perfect. it's so perfect that there is no way it can end, right? i can be 10 through them, can't i?

but i know better. & that's why it's hard to accept. but i'm trying- because it is what it is.
so i try & focus on right now.
i'm not going to think about 1st grade, 4th grade, 8th grade, graduation, boys, friends, highschool, college, marrige, jobs, the real world, marrige, their own children.....

because it literally makes my heart hurt. in a happy way- but i'm nowhere near ready.
so while i'm well aware that time doesn't really stand still- i'm going to pretend anyway. pretend that i'm 10. and live for the now.

except that i'm a 10 year old with a job. and kids. and things a real 10 year old doesn't have to worry about.

but you know what i mean.
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9 comments:

Peeper said...

A few weeks ago I was at a quarterly professional meeting. One of the men at my table was talking about how he was getting ready to drive his daughter to college that weekend. I told him, "I can't even think of it. My daughter is only 2 years old!" Another woman at the table reminded me that there is a lot of time between here and there. Nature designed that time to make it easier to let them go.

I talked to that guy again a couple of weeks later. When I asked how it went he told me it went fine. Then he said, "You know, it's really pretty hard. The house is so quiet. We feel it that she's gone."

My heart aches at the thought so I just never think of it! But if I do happen to think of it, I sneak in to watch Ada sleep or I give her extra-focused attention to bring myself back to right now. I think, "I want to remember this moment: the silky curls in her hair, the dimpled knuckles and her baby buddah belly... It won't last forever and I am twisted with bittersweet emotion about that. That's one reason why I blog and take pictures - so that I can remember her someday when I can't remember anymore.

Julie said...

I remember when my friend Sarah came to take my daughter's newborn pictures, her son was about two and a half at the time and I asked her what her favorite stage had been so far. She said that "right now" was her favorite stage, and I thought, No Way! THIS is the best stage! The thought of having a toddler was just so foreign to me, I couldnt think of anything better than newborn snuggles.

Every stage HAS been better, but it still makes me a little sad when I think about the ones that we've passed.

mama foosa said...

beautiful post. so so true.

i nearly cried tonight when my (almost) 6 month old refused to lay down on the baby seat in the bath. he HAD to sit by himself. it goes by so so fast, all i could think about was he was nearly the size of my hand just yesterday. you're right, you have to live for the now.

Sage Wild said...

dearest trina this was a lovely entry to read. just poppin' in to say herro!

XO

Tiffany said...

Where in the name of all things cute and toddler-y did you get those brown boots?!

Crystal said...

Beautiful post!! I think about the "end" of things all the time. And I'm only in the engagement stage!! But I know that the wedding, honeymoon, and marriage will be wonderful so I look forward to that. And if I'm as blessed as you are with your girls then I have that to look forward to as well. Although at times I think I have it pretty good as it is; just the two of us.


Thanks for making my heart smile this morning!

t.bird said...

the*! where have you been?? <3
and it's nice to know i'm not

alone ladies :)

tiffany: NextDirect.com
but i warn you- if you go on that site you will spend all of your money. i'm sorry. lol.

Carol said...

So sweet, T. It does go by so fast, these days are numbered. Soon they'll be really squabbling and arguing with each other over toys (mine do at 5 & 2.5), then they'll be teens and arguing over curfews & boyfriends and we'll be wishing that we could just have the "easy" days of toddlerhood back.

**those boots are freakin' awesome...I have little use for them in the warm south, but I must have them!

Sarah-Anne said...

gah, you're gonna make me cry, trina. beautiful words and beautiful pictures of your girls to go along with it :)