baby #2

so we had a meeting with our RE yesterday to discuss the making of baby #2. here's the gist:

1. i have to stop breastfeeding/pumping
2. i have to have 2 periods (my period has yet to make an appearance)
3. i have to have the basic blood/levels testing along with an SHG ::cringe::
4. we've got 5 frozen embryos left (2 from IVF#1 & 3 from IVF#2)
5. once all of the above is done- we'll go ahead with an FET & transfer 2 embryos

doesn't sound so bad, right? well i guess it's really not, except for the weaning part. in order to go forward with an FET i can no longer be breastfeeding (something to do with levels & uterine lining & etc)
i figured this & prepared myself mentally for it- but it still kind of sucks. besides the fact that it HURTS LIKE A BITCH, it's also somewhat of a mindfuck.

for example: i was doing my midday pump & i had to stop myself after getting 7 oz from each side. as i was sitting there looking at my un-emptied breasts i teared up. THERE'S STILL MILK IN THERE & IT BELONGS TO ALEX!!! WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE IT!?

ugh. it sucks- so many women get pregnant while breastfeeding. they go through their pregnancy & naturally wean their children before the new kid arrives- but i don't get that option. because making babies in this house requires needle sticks, thousands of dollars, lots of tears, dildo cams, miles of driving, time off of work, lots of BFN's & etc etc etc. it's not fair. but it's life.

so as i shut off the pump & pulled my nursing tank back over my still aching breasts- i sucked it up. we want another child so this is my reality. i will suffer- but it kills me that alex has to "suffer" for it too. she should get to drink breastmilk until she's done- until she weans herself- but she can't, because her father & i are broken. suck suck suck.

now- it's not like she's cut off right away. i've got a chest freezer with over 3,000 oz of frozen milk and i've given myself till the end of this month to actually "wean"- so she'll have breastmilk for quite awhile- but still. i'm going to have to supplement at some point- that's obvious.

but anyway- so now i sit here @ 3:30pm and my girls are SCREAMING! this is my usual pumping schedule/output:

-pump 3x per day (4am, 12pm & 8pm)
-20-22 oz per session
-60 oz per day

but since i'm trying to dry up, i'm still pumping 3x per day but instead of letting myself empty out- i stop @ 7 oz. do you have any idea how much this sucks? that leaves almost 5oz in each breast & within a few hours i'm already engorged once again. and today is only DAY 1 of operation wean. dear Lord.

eventually i'll have to go down to 2 pumping sessions- and then 1- and then none. NONE! this is really weird because for the past 4 months, pumping has been my life. literally- i pump & pump & pump. it makes me giddy to watch the bottles fill with milk & open the door to a full freezer. GIDDY! and now it's almost over. my boobs will no longer be what keeps her alive & it's like closing a chapter to her infant life. i don't like it.

but as i said- reality. this is it. so i'll do what i have to do.
i'm pretty sure i'm going to wind up bitching about clogged ducts & ruined shirts- but maybe you could all cross your fingers that i won't have to. please Lord- no more clogged ducts!!!!

so there you have it. if all goes according to plan (which it will) then we'll be scheduling our FET for sometime in April/May & PRAYING that it works. because if it doesn't then we're out $5k and then we'll have to be in $15k for a fresh IVF#3.

so yeah- fun, no? oh, and if anyone has tips on weaning, i'm all ears!!!

a year ago today...

a year ago today i saw this on the bathroom counter & almost wet myself:

i then went & dug this out of the trash (from 2 days prior) and realized that my BFN had turned into a BFP:

i was completely in shock. i was on fresh IVF#2 after BFN's from IVF#1, FET#1 & FET#2 and i was positive that i wasn't pregnant. i mean, i was bleeding for God's sake! but there they were, 2 perfect lines. omfg!!!

and now i have this:

tee hee!

so as i sit here on my 2nd day back to work (and alex's 2nd day with her Nenae (my mother) it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that 1 year ago today, i realized that my baby making factory was finally up & running.

i wish she was here so i could squeeze her, but alas, we'd like to afford more kids so here i sit...working.

crazy. <3

p.s. i also have a new niece as of yesterday evening! welcome to the world Jayden! all 9lbs of you!

busy busy rush rush

ok- so i'm in total "rush rush, hurry hurry" mode for the next month & a half. I let my RE know that my insurance would be ending in Jan- so he agreed that we can go ahead with a fresh cycle, but only if i see a genetic counselor to discuss the risks of a pregnancy @ 2 1/2 months instead of 3 months after a Methotrexate shot. so this is kind of what everything looks like:

11/13- start BCP for fresh IVF#2
11/19- hysteroscopy & endometrial biopsy
11/28- appt. with a Genetics Counselor (in boston- ugh)
(tentative- give or take a few days)
12/10-11ish- start stims
12/23ish- ER
12/26-29ish- ET
01/10-15ish- Beta

good Lord. basically- after the Genetics Counselor appt. we're good to go- but we have to get the ok from her. based on research i've done- 2 months is a sufficient amount of time to wait after a Metho. shot- and we'll be only 2 weeks shy of the 3 month mark- so i don't think there are any big risks here. Honestly- this is our last shot for awhile because paying OOP for IVF is really not feasible. i'm praying with everything in me that this works- seriously.
i'm not looking forward to my procedure on the 19th (i hate pain) but oh well. yikes.

so yeah- that's that. i just needed to get this all down so that i can see it "on paper"
i'm not big on all the rushing- and specially around the holidays, but it has to be done. we will do whatever we have to do to help this work.
also- i need to ask my RE about acupuncture- i'm not keen on dishing out the $$$ but if it's only a couple times, what can it hurt? yeeeesh!!!!

8dp5dt = BFN

IVF#1= BFN

i'm calling it- i tested again and it was a BFN- duh. so i went against dr's orders & didn't take my progesterone suppositories last night or this morning- and now i can feel AF starting to "move"
i'm still getting the stupid Estrace pills today & i'm trying to decide if i'm going to use them or not- i'm thinking no, but i'm not sure. they're not going to do anything- but i feel like my RE will know if i don't use them, and then he'll yell at me or something. yikes! but it's stupid- it's a waste of time & money for me to take them. blah.

so now we wait- wait for my period to start with a vengence and then wait till my pointless Beta on the 27th and then wait for our WTF Appt with the RE and then wait to start our FET cycle and then wait some more. stupid waiting- it's very boring. whatever- i'm going to drink my 180 today & eat chocolate & have sex (well, not today- haha) & change the cat litter box (meh)
God Bless

day 4 stim check up

so i had my 4 day stim check up this morning @ 6:30:

Follicles: R:18 L:15 (nice!)
Mature Follies: none yet (none over 10mm)
E2=812 (too high!)
Lining= 7.5 (good- they like it @ 8 or above & i just finished AF)

so- the nurse called & told me to cut my gonal-f from 150iu to 75iu- this will help bring down my E2- help me not produce anymore follicles & help the ones that are there get "mature"
then i go back in on thurs (may 1st) for another check up!!! yay!
so i think everything is going well!!!
God Bless

baby mama

omg- that movie was hilarious. of course it ended with a super sappy, everyone gets their way ending, but it was still funny. i laughed quite a bit, yes- it was nice.
anywho. i'm making pound cake- i'll post pictures later when it's done. i'm pretty excited about it because i love pound cake- alot.

also i will be taking my 3rd gonal-f shot tonight!!! it's taking me less & less time to stick myself now- ha- it's been TWO DAYS!!! and it already feels like forever. i have bloodwork & an ultrasound on tues @ 6:30a.m. yaaaay- we'll see how things are progressing then.

if all goes acording to plan, i will have my ERon May 8th- so according to the IVF calculator, i am currently 0w3d pregnant. HA! i can't wait till it's something "real" however, here is my 0w3d "belly pic":


i can't WAIT till it's actually something to look @- i'm even looking forward to the bloating & "looking fat" that i know will happen!!! i SO PRAY that this first IVF cycle works out- i just want to be KU ALREADY! PLEASE GOD!

so yeah- that's about it for now. i'm working the late shift this week: 11:30a.m.-8:30p.m. i had to switch with someone because i was supposed to work it next week but next week should be my ER week & i need to be able to take that day off- so thankfully one of my co-worker's switched- i love her for that.

ok- that's it! GOD BLESS!

FIRST IVF SHOT!!!!!

so i just took my first stim!!!!! gonal-f rff pen: 150 iu
7:30p.m. -ok so i got it all set up and prepped myself- for like 10 min!!!
it took forever- but i finally "took the plunge"...
"oh, well that didn't hurt AT ALL!!!!" now to listen for the clicking...
ALL DONE! i pulled it out and that was that!!!!
OMG! that was SO EASY! i wasn't freaking out until i actually had the needle in my hand- i had brandon waiting in the wings to document and the poor guy had to stand there for like 10 min while i made him convince me that this wasn't going to hurt- ha! but yeah, i finally did it and i didn't feel a thing. this is going to be a breeze ::finger's crossed::

so yeah- yay! TGIF & TGFSS (thank God for starting stims)!!! we both took our Zithromax tonight and we're on our way to maing a baby! i am SO excited about this whole process!

good luck to ALL the nest ladies starting stims tonight or tomorrow- i'm so stoked for all of us!

God Bless!

Stimming Starts on Friday

so i dragged my ass out of bed @ 4:30a.m. for the 45 min ride to Lexington, MA this morning for my suppression check @ 6:30a.m.- ugh. everything went fine & my nurse called me @ 4:15 this afternoon to let me know that i would start stimming on Friday 04/25. FRIDAY!!! i wish it was tonight but i can't complain. i will "live it up" for this last week & then start my "regiment" on friday. no more alcohol or caffeine or splenda- just natural crap- ugh! hmmm- it'll all be worth it in the end!!! i know it will!

so yeah, here's what we're looking at:
BCP: 04/03-04/21
Stims: 04/25-05/06(ish)
Trigger: 05/07(ish)
ER: 05/08(ish)
ET: 05/11 or 05/13(ish) 3 or 5 day transfer
Beta: 05/23-24(ish) depending on ET date

OMG- looking at that makes it seem so much more real- but i don't think it'll really hit me until friday when i start injecting myself full of drugs- woohoo!

so yeah- i'm pretty happy...hmmm- it's been wicked nice out too so that just adds to my mood- also i made a wonderful apple cake last night but i forgot to take a picture & now it's gone ::sigh:: alas- it was good though!

alright- that's about it for now- God Bless!

IVF drugs

so i got all my IVF drugs today- it's a bit daunting but i'm very excted about all of this- i started my BCP last night but i still have a good 2-3 weeks before i have to start stims so till then i'll just wait impatiently!

one of my friends at work is in nursing school (gradutes in May) and she is going to help me with everything (mixing & such) she's one of the only work people i've told because she's the shit & i love her. so yeah.

my co-workers are going out tonight for drinks & such to say goodbye to the 2 dispatchers who got laid off- i should totally go but I DON'T WANNA! i don't have an excuse because the bar they're going to is directly across the street from me ::sigh:: maybe i still won't- but i feel bad because i always weasel out of going! it's kind of boring- meh.

well that's about it.
God Bless

finally

update: FP finally started today- with a vengence!
so my IVF schedule is as follows:

04/03- Start BCP
04/20- Stop BCP
04/21- BW & US
04/2?- Start Injectibles
05/??- ER & ET

yay!

good times ahead

well- i can honestly say i had high hopes for this cycle- i had weird cramps & my nipples hurt & i was tired, hungry, thirsty & peeing alot more than usual- but alas! my FP showed up bright & early this morning so BCP start on monday. it's going to be weird to have to take BC again- but at least it's only for 3 weeks- then i get to start injecting myself ::shudder:: i'm not looking forward to it but if it helps get us pregnant then i am willing to do just about anything- Lord, give me strength!

anyway- we just booked our 1st anniversary get away- well be going up north to: http://www.magriverinn.com/index.html
it's a pet friendly cabin in the woods of Northern NH right on the river & lakes of Umbagog & we'll spend July 3rd- 7th fishing, reding, playing wih Max & just getting away from everything. i can't wait!

well i'm off to enjoy my lazy saturday. ciao.
God Bless

birthday cake

i made a birthday cake for one of my co-workers: it tasted wonderful! i was quite pleased:



it was a 2 layer white cake with cream cheese frosting & strawberry puree- fabulous!

in other news: i went to the dentist today- ugh! after the dental hygenist ravanged my mouth with her tools of torture the dentist came in and did her "tsk tsking" ha- i've needed a crown for awhile but my insurance keeps being lame & "losing" my pre-auth- whatever- i have to go in & have the cavity filled tomorrow and when the crown comes in they'll put it on. so tomorrow morning will be sucky but the good news is no new cavities! that's a full year with nothing new, i'm quite proud of myself! i guess that $15 toothpaste is paying off. blah blah blah. at least there's a new south park on tonight- that will keep me happy for therest of the week.

also i 'm looking over all my IVF info & instructions. all i can say is WOW- i feel so overwhelmed! i'm very thankful that this option is available to us so i don't feel right "complaining" about all the steps- but i am worried that i'll do something wrong! i'll just have to trust that God wants me to be a mommy as much as i want to be one & He'll make sure i do everything right! i don't want to tell anyone about it yet- but i also want my family to be praying- so i'm a little mixed on what i want to do. my mother prays for me all the time anyway so i think that should cover it! go mom!

weeeeell- that's it for now. God Bless!

oh my God

i'm lazy so XP from the Nest:

well- we sat down w/the RE thinking that we would be getting some great news...not so much. basically my husband's 2nd SA was even worse then the first- the only thing that got better was his count- up from 20 mill to 40mill- but everything else got worse- we're talking low motil, morph, progression- etc. basically less than 2% on things that should be 4-5% & above. so yeah- to put it lightly- his sperm=FAIL! ha. poor hubbythen it was my turn- all my blood tests came back fine but my HSG results weren't too great- here i was thinking my tubes were all clear & open- nope. he thinks they are both blocked with scar tissue (from what, i have no idea) the right one might have a little bit of an opening- but that's about it. so my tubes=FAIL! wow- we're quite a pair here!ok so here's the kicker- he had to give us our "options" and those were:1. do a LAP (to see if we can figure out my tubes)2. do IUI3. IVFhowever, he's not a big fan of LAPs because there is no guarantee & he thinks it's a lot of wasted time & energy. ok cool, i can deal- i don't want one anyway. so we asked about IUI- well, we=not good candidates. another FAIL. his sperm, my tubes=slim chance of sucess. sooo, our only real "option" is IVF. he said our chances of sucess are 50% (which i guess is good) and he wants us to go with that. we asked him straight out what he thinks we should do and without blinking he said "IVF- no doubt" is we wanted to try IUI he said he'd understand but he doesn't think we should waste our time. basically the chances of us getting pregnant on our own or with IUI are "slim to none" (he almost winced when he was saying this- ha- he's such a cute little man)so after looking at each other, even being a little in shock, we said "ok". so he pulled out all the paperwork & had us get to work on filling that out. then he sent us to his nurse & she gave me all the info for the drugs & etc etc. it was like a blur- she showed me how to use the gonel f (right?) pen and asked if i wanted to take my progesterone via a shot in the butt or those little pills you take vaginally- i went with the pills because there is no way my husband is sticking me with needles in my_ass. so yeah- whew- OMG! we're doing IVF- it's surreal & a little heartbreaking because we can't do this on our own- but at the same time i'm happy that we're on our way. so now i just wait for FP to start & then i start taking my BC pills- after that i get started with all the shots & pills & ER & ET & i don't even know. well sorry this was so long- if you're still with me then thanks for reading- i'm suprised that i'm not more upset about this- i'm more excited because i think we actually have a chance now, you know? my husband is a little bummed but he said he would do whatever i want & i know he just wants a baby- or two (hehe!)ahh well- i guess that's it. OMG! i never saw myself here- ever.

whew- i feel very thankful & very blessed to even have the opportunity to go forward with this- God has definately opened this door when the last one slammed shut. thank you so much Lord!