updates needed

i knew i was going to be busy- but my God.

my 14 month old "angel" has turned into some sort of...creature? i mean seriously- tantrums & screaming & fits like i've never seen.

or rather, i have seen- but those were always someone else's kids & i judged them. it's karma.

i know it's a mixture of everything- age, baby, teeth, being cooped up, wanting mommy- everything! but still- it's killing me.

thank God the husband was home this week- i might have jumped out a window if not for that. however he is off to work tomorrow- so it's just me. omg. scared.

anyway- i desperately need to post brynn's birthstory before things start getting gray on me (memory wise)- i'm going to shoot for that tomorrow or tuesday- yes? ok.

but for now i'll leave you with a few pictures of the girls- these are a few days old, but that can't be helped:

brynn doing what she does best (during the day that is)

getting ready for her first sponge bath...

not quite sure about things....

officially pissed. sorry kiddo.

and miss alex- don't be fooled- she is only this happy for like 1 hour per day. the rest of the day = angry screaming crying snotty face.

i'm so happy....for now.

she's freaking kamikaze now too- climbing & jumping & falling- i might go crazy.

"oh hai!"

hmmm- so yes.

things are going well.

i'm tired- but good. alex is good- a toddler terror, but still good. brynn is doing well- back up to birth weight by day#5 and getting bigger. she lost her umbilical stump yesterday- much sooner than alex did- so that was nice.

she nurses like a champ- like, A LOT- but the nips are doing much better. God bless the inventor of the Nipple Shield. that thing saved me!!!

she sleeps well (during the day) and pretty ok at night- 2-4 hour stretches. the only thing is i pretty much have to be holding her or VERY near her. no swaddling & into the crib for this kid- so different than alex.

so right now we're co-sleeping & we go down around 9-10 & she's up about 3x per night.

once the hubs is back to work i'll need to be out of bed by 5-5:30 to start the day. alex gets up around 6-6:30 and brynn does whatever she wants.

i think things would be a LOT easier if it wasn't for breastfeeding/pumping. i know it's great for her & all- but it kills me. she's attached to the boob or the boob is attached to the pump. and not pumping is NOT an option.

i have an INSANE oversupply & i've already dealt with 3 clogged ducts because i tried not pumping at night. in fact- i have one right now- and it's hell. so blah.

i'm thankful that i have the milk i need & i can't complain- but it's hard to pump & nurse with a 14 month old & a newborn who demands to be held. but i can do it- i have to right?

ok-i promise i'll try to update more.

thank you all for your congrats & well wishes. they made me teary (probably would have even if i wasn't a hormonal mess for the first few days)!

moo

and so it begins...

baby #2

so we had a meeting with our RE yesterday to discuss the making of baby #2. here's the gist:

1. i have to stop breastfeeding/pumping
2. i have to have 2 periods (my period has yet to make an appearance)
3. i have to have the basic blood/levels testing along with an SHG ::cringe::
4. we've got 5 frozen embryos left (2 from IVF#1 & 3 from IVF#2)
5. once all of the above is done- we'll go ahead with an FET & transfer 2 embryos

doesn't sound so bad, right? well i guess it's really not, except for the weaning part. in order to go forward with an FET i can no longer be breastfeeding (something to do with levels & uterine lining & etc)
i figured this & prepared myself mentally for it- but it still kind of sucks. besides the fact that it HURTS LIKE A BITCH, it's also somewhat of a mindfuck.

for example: i was doing my midday pump & i had to stop myself after getting 7 oz from each side. as i was sitting there looking at my un-emptied breasts i teared up. THERE'S STILL MILK IN THERE & IT BELONGS TO ALEX!!! WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE IT!?

ugh. it sucks- so many women get pregnant while breastfeeding. they go through their pregnancy & naturally wean their children before the new kid arrives- but i don't get that option. because making babies in this house requires needle sticks, thousands of dollars, lots of tears, dildo cams, miles of driving, time off of work, lots of BFN's & etc etc etc. it's not fair. but it's life.

so as i shut off the pump & pulled my nursing tank back over my still aching breasts- i sucked it up. we want another child so this is my reality. i will suffer- but it kills me that alex has to "suffer" for it too. she should get to drink breastmilk until she's done- until she weans herself- but she can't, because her father & i are broken. suck suck suck.

now- it's not like she's cut off right away. i've got a chest freezer with over 3,000 oz of frozen milk and i've given myself till the end of this month to actually "wean"- so she'll have breastmilk for quite awhile- but still. i'm going to have to supplement at some point- that's obvious.

but anyway- so now i sit here @ 3:30pm and my girls are SCREAMING! this is my usual pumping schedule/output:

-pump 3x per day (4am, 12pm & 8pm)
-20-22 oz per session
-60 oz per day

but since i'm trying to dry up, i'm still pumping 3x per day but instead of letting myself empty out- i stop @ 7 oz. do you have any idea how much this sucks? that leaves almost 5oz in each breast & within a few hours i'm already engorged once again. and today is only DAY 1 of operation wean. dear Lord.

eventually i'll have to go down to 2 pumping sessions- and then 1- and then none. NONE! this is really weird because for the past 4 months, pumping has been my life. literally- i pump & pump & pump. it makes me giddy to watch the bottles fill with milk & open the door to a full freezer. GIDDY! and now it's almost over. my boobs will no longer be what keeps her alive & it's like closing a chapter to her infant life. i don't like it.

but as i said- reality. this is it. so i'll do what i have to do.
i'm pretty sure i'm going to wind up bitching about clogged ducts & ruined shirts- but maybe you could all cross your fingers that i won't have to. please Lord- no more clogged ducts!!!!

so there you have it. if all goes according to plan (which it will) then we'll be scheduling our FET for sometime in April/May & PRAYING that it works. because if it doesn't then we're out $5k and then we'll have to be in $15k for a fresh IVF#3.

so yeah- fun, no? oh, and if anyone has tips on weaning, i'm all ears!!!

birth story

after my 41 week 1 day appt on wed 23rd my OB decided that i def had progressed some- i think i was at a 2 or something- anyways, so she said i could wait until 42 weeks (um, i think not)or i could come in the next day for an induction (sounds like a plan)

so on thurs 24th @ 41 weeks 2 days i checked into the hospital @ 7:30am. after the nurse butchered my hands (for the IV) they started me on pitocin at 8:30am (after doing another internal)- they upped my dose every 30 min & monitored me for 20-30 min stretches. when i wasn't being monitored i was walking around to keep things "moving"

i had very managable contractions after a few hours on the pitocin & when my OB checked me around 2ish she said i was at 4cm and my cervix was very thinned out and etc etc. wonderful! she offered the epidural then but i held off because i really wasn't in any pain.

well about 2 hours later i was at 5 1/2 cm & the contractions were starting to hurt quite a bit so i decided to get the epidural while i could still sit still. after 2 tries (and a few tears) the epidural was in and they started the medicine...oh my GOD! i don't know how women go without it- God bless them! that stuff is GOLD!

anyway- so that was around 4:30ish and i sat in bed & labored away. it was so nice not to be in pain- the only thing i could complain about was the fact that i was STARVING!!! it eventually made me pretty nauseous so they gave me some zofran. wonderful!

my OB broke my water around 6:30ish and that seemed to get things moving even more.
i napped a bit & around 10:15ish she checked me again & said i was completely dialated and ready. she gave me about 30 min to "get ready" (ie: empty my bladder with the help of a catheter) and i started pushing- after 45 min, out she came! it was so...awesome/weird/surreal. i got to watch with the mirror and the husband got to hold my leg & watch as well.

alexis praise came out screaming at 11:22pm at a hefty 8lbs 3oz & 21 1/2in long- and that was AFTER she had pooped 3 times! they put her on my chest as they cleaned her up a bit & i started bawling. she was so perfect. ::squee::

seriously- TONS of hair and long, long fingers & toes. her hair was the talk of the ward ;)

anywho- after a bit the husband cut the cord & they took her off to do their thing. i delivered the placenta & my OB took a look. at first she thought there were no tears but then she found a small one & i got 2 stiches. i had some "vaginal abrasions" but otherwise i was good to go.
after she was done the nurse cathed me again & got me cleaned up. i couldn't walk yet so she wheeled me to the nursery to take a look- alex was pinking up nicely & sound asleep. so they wheeled me to my room and showed me how to take care of "things" down there.

they brought her in about an hour later and showed me how to nurse- she's not so great at latching on and she's a bit of a lazy eater so it was interesting. eventually she did eat & continued to do so until we left the hospital on sat.

we're home now & while the first night was HELL, last night was much better (thank you sleep incliner & swaddle me blanket)

my milk came in this morning around 4:30am (ouch & wet) but she still won't latch on & stay- so i pumped this morning & it was sweet relief! i also fed her with a bottle & i could have cried because the poor thing finally got some food in her. yay!

so that's that! probably more info than you want or need but hey :)
i'd do it all again in a heartbeat- OH, and take EVERYTHING the hospital provides. those mesh undies, pads, tucks, dermoplast are freaking heaven!!!

and here's my little lady:

i'm so in love. freaking crazy!