well what do you know?

BFP!? yeah- crazy huh? as soon as i saw these lines pop up i started bawling- unfortunately they weren't tears of joy as one might think- ugh, here's the story:

my BETA after my FET was on 09/19 and it was negative (it was a 4- but yeah)
so i was ok with that, my period came & went & i moved on. then this past weekend i started bleeding & cramping & etc (see below entries) so i finally called the RE & went in for bloodwork & an ultrasound.
well they called & told me that my BETA is 364!!! what?! how?! so i drive back to Lexington & the dr asked a bunch of questions to try & rule out an ectopic. honestly though, they're not sure yet what's going on. it's too early to see anything so we'll just have to wait & see.
most likely this is a non-viable pregnancy (m/c) & it'll either pass on it's own or i'll need a little help (in the way of a shot or two)

aaaaaaah! so yeah- i don't even know. i'm trying not to focus on this- something i've wanted so bad & for so long is in my grasp & i'm not going to be able to keep it. it's not fair- that about sums it up.

anyway- i was lying on the bed, holding the FRE, sobbing & feeling sorry for myself when i saw a little paw shoot out- i had to laugh. gary was attacking the pee stick with a fury. it was hilarious. i got some pictures & started laughing histarically...and then started crying again. ugh- SO UNFAIR!!!! i want to ask God why? but i hate to question Him- He knows what He's doing & He has a plan for me- hopefully it includes a little bird :)



anyway- i'll keep everyone updated & we'll see where this all goes. i hate waiting- ugh.
wow- 2 lines on a stick- i really can't get over it. ::le sigh::

update

so my stomach still hurts & i'm still bleeding so i called my RE- i have to go in for bw & an US tomorrow because my beta from last week was a 4 instead of a 0 and they need to make sure there is nothing "in there". according to my RE's office- anything over a 2 is positive, but i thought it was anything over 5- so who knows? all i know is that my stomach hurts & i'm sick of bleeding.

also- i just purchased another year long VIP FF subscription- awesome.

what the hell?

if anyone wants to explain this to me then feel free!

after my failed FET, my period came & went by the 19th. then i spotted for a day like usual & then it stopped. then along comes the 25th and i start spotting again like my period is on it's way. ok weird- but no biggie.

along comes yesterday- we were going to the fair early so we left & went to my parent's house first to drop the dogs off- i'm feeling a little bloated & gassy(?!) but i chalk it up to the Fiber Tablets i've been taking- but then my stomache really starts to hurt & i'm looking more bloated than ever- like really bad cramps, gas & a stomache ache. maybe my pants are too tight?
we start walking around at the fair & i still hurt, but i'm also hungry- so who knows? then my cramps are horrible & i've got to pee again so we go to the bathrooms- well i take a look & BAM- it looks like my period has started. wtf?! it just ended? i'm so confused!!! whatever i guess. so we walk around more & i feel a couple gushes (gross) so when we get to my parents i go check & sure enough, more bleeding/clots. this sucks.

well we go home & i basically bleed for the rest of the day & feel like i did after my ET (crampy, bloated, aweful) i'm not bleeding much by the time i go to bed so oook- but when i get up this morning to pee, BAM- more blood & my stomache feels worse. now it's not really like cramps- more like an aweful stomache ache that's radiating from my pelvis all the way up. like when i press on my stomache or pelvis area, it hurts.

ugh-anyway. the bloating isn't as bad & it doesn't hurt as bad as yesterday but i still don't know what's going on. it's not a UTI because i've had one of those & that was different. there is no blood in my urine & it doesn't burn when i pee or anything. its just...?!

any ideas?! any doctors read this blog? i think i'll let this run it's course & see how i feel tomorrow. i can still function so it can't be that bad, right?
this is super lame. oh, here's my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1c360d

it's everywhere- like a disease

i found out last week that 2 women i work with are pregnant. one, has an almost 2 year old & the other has a 15 year old. the latter also still smokes, drinks, lives on coffee, eats like crap & etc etc. no fair. at all.

then this morning i had to get my teeth cleaned- well i got there early & waited in the parking lot for the office to open, so i get to watch everyone walk in. lo & behold, my usual hygenist drives in, gets out & is quite obviously pregnant. i hate the dentist as it is, but this just put me over the top. thankfully, one of the other hygenists cleaned my teeth this morning. one of the obviously not pregnant ones. i mean, she's older & has kids, but at least she's not knocked up right now.

and then i get to work & the annoying girl who just got back from maternity leave, is talking to my other cw (who has a 16 month old) about all things baby- and how her friends are KU & how she went shopping for baby stuff this weekend & how much she loves babies and baby things & being a mother. and where are they having this conversations? why, right behind my desk of course! could there be a more appropriate place? nooo, of course not.

and lastly, a few of the nest ladies all found out that they were pregnant this past week/end. some of these BFP's resulted from an FET or IVF or a very natural cycle. while i'm happy for each of them, i still kills me. it doesn't matter that they may or may not have struggled as much as i have, it's still hard to digest the news & i'm insanely jealous. anyone who is still struggling to get pregnant and says that it's not hard, or that they're not envious as well, is a liar. just because you're happy for someone doesn't make you immune to anger or jealousy. i hate that this is what i've become but i don't know what to do. i pray that God will take these feeling away and i try & focus on everything that i do have- but it doesn't help. there is always a reminder of the one thing that we want that we cannot have.

lol twilight

so i have this sick obsession with a 17 year old vampire named, Edward- wtf?! i love him- i love it- i love it ALL!
there is something else i love- it's called "spoofs" & "funnies"- so thanks to a lovely fellow nestie- i have several to share with you. be warned- you will die laughing:
LOL!
LOL AGAIN!

(New Moon)
http://community.livejournal.com/lion_lamb/1651773.html

LOL! i almost peed my pants!
and last- but not least: http://www.screeninglog.com/journal/2008/9/15/funny-twilight-trailer-spoof-hits.html

SERIOUSLY!!! i'm dying over here. oh man- i need to get a life.

8dpfet = CD1

FET#2 = big f-ing no
oh.my.God. periods after treatment cycles are THE WORST! i feel like my uterus is falling out.

oh, and also, i'm over the whole bummed out, i'm so sad this isn't working thing- now, i'm just PISSED! FURIOUS! this is UNACCEPTABLE! there is NO reason that all 3 of the "finest IF treatments that money can buy" have FAILED! this is WICKED LAME! it's not FAIR! why do some women get 2 babies, even 3 babies, and i can't even have !?! ugh. i'm so done.

i called and demanded that they move my BETA up to 09/19 (fri) instead of making me wait till 09/22 (mon)- hell, i'll be done my period by friday- so why the frick do i have to go in anyways?!
losers- oh, and my wtf?! appt is scheduled for Oct 6th @ 1:30pm. you better believe i'm gonna go in there and demand answers & more testing!!!

ugh- lame. whatever. i'm done. i'm just gonna focus on working out and getting super skinny again (lol @ again- i've never been super skinny) so i can be hot and stuff. word.

7dpfet

umm- nothing new. anyway.

i heard two things today that got to me in totally different ways:

1. my former boss (he used to be my boss at my current job but he got a new job about a year ago) and his wife had IF- they tried to get pregnant for a little over a year & finally had to do IUI- well it was weird because i actually ran into them at my RE's office, and my & my boss (at the time) were both like..."heeey...yeah"
anyway- moving on, him & his wife got pregnant with their first IUI- when he told me i was happy for them, but super jealous because my own IVF#1 had just failed.
well i just found out today, from another woman i work with, that they were pregnant with twin girls and that they just lost them last week at 23 weeks. i'm so heartbroken for them- i can't even imagine what they're going through.
i'm going to send them a card- but i really don't know what to say. what do you say to parents that have lost their children? what do you say.

2. my other former boss (she was the "head honcho" when i first started but then she demoted herself to spend more time with her new baby who is almost 2 now) is pregnant with her second & she's due in march. i'm so jealous- she gets pregnant really easily & i just knew she was planning on it soon- ugh. she's really nice & all but it's gonna be hard to see her waddling around

poo- what a day.

6dpfet #2

*update*

well i'm about 99% positive that FET#2 is a BFN- my beta isn't for another week but i'm already spotting like it's my job and i have super AF cramps. i know for alot of women this can be a good thing, but i know my body and i know i'm not pregnant.

i'm not going to take my estrace or progesterone anymore- it's stupid. i've never had a problem with any of my E2 or progesterone levels anyway so even if i was pregnant & i stopped them, i don't see that resulting in anything "bad" blah. last time, withing 2 days of stopping i have AF full on- so yeah. we'll see what happens this time. if it comes then i'm calling my RE's nurse and i'm getting my pointless beta done earlier- this is lame- this waiting crap.

we'll see what my temp does tomorrow- if it's low then i'll know that it was the progesterone that was keeping it up. blargh.

hmmm- the husband is more upset than i am. i mean, i am upset, this totally sucks, but i don't have super high hopes to begin with...he does. so every time it doesn't work he's pretty bummed. i feel bad.

i wonder what my RE will say at our wtf?! appt...? hmmm- he'd better have some answers for us.
_________________________________________________________________

well i'm 6dpfet (6 days past fet) and i don't know what to think. i've had cramping, and spotting but my temps are looking pretty good. but does that really mean anything? der.

i'm not going to test- it helps that i only have a digital in the house anyway, there is no way i'm peeing on $18 to get a nice, Not Pregnant. yeeeah. actually, even if i had a few $tree tests- i wouldn't test. i hate BFN's and since i'm not positive that this worked anyway, i'll just wait.

anyway- it's pouring out. and it's sunday. so that equals: my ass on the couch reading a book. sweet, right? well actually, the book that i purchased to read today, i read yesterday. so now i have no book :( so i guess i'll have to run out and get one- the problem with this is that Target has nothing that i haven't already read- so i'm gonna have to go to B&N and i don't feel like it. GOSH- my life is so rough. oooor- i might re-read the Chronicles Of Narnia. i love that series & i've been promising myself i would read it again. so i'll probably do that. word.

ummm- that's it. i'm gonna drag my infertile ass to the kitchen and get something to eat- my phantom fetus is starving. i'm eating for 2- der.

ciao

4dpfet

well i'm not really feeling anything except my period on it's way- so that's super lame. i'm trying to stay hopeful but i have cramps, spotting yesterday & my temps have been low the past two mornings. so i don't know. we'll see i guess.

anyway- i got home yesterday and stupid cessna had ripped her cast off AGAIN! this is the second time THIS week!! i was SO pissed!!! so i had to drive all the way to chelmsford AGAIN and shell out another $20 for a new cast. at least the guy vet was on this time and his casts are like...awesome. the last 2 were put on by one of the lady vets and she's a bit more wussy. the last time the guy vet put it on, cessna couldn't get it off. so i'm glad. i sprayed the shit out of it with that bitter apple stuff this morning and i swear if she gets it off today i'll probably lose my mind.

max also had to get his bum expressed because it smelled bad so that was another $20. God- animals!!! i think they cost more than children, at least mine do. well, only 2 more weeks and supposedly the cast can come off- so we'll see.

umm- that's about it. um- here are a few lol's that make me lol.

lol- i freaking love cats. i'm coo coo for cats!

9/11

don't forget.

tagged?

ok- so i guess i've been tagged by like, 400 people so i should probably do this thing:

um- matsi, e-sharp, nikki, rebekah...and i think someone else too- i'm so bad at this!

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

The Goods:
1. i'm obsessed with cats- seriously
2. i traveled around the world when i was 14
3. i used to meet guys online and then meet up with them- omg unsafe much?!
4. i grew up in a super Christian home with a pastor for a mother and i love it!
5. i can spend an entire day on Etsy- i'm sick
6. i really want everyone to like me, and i do my best to make sure that happens

ok- so now i can tag people- umm, sasha, andrea, peachy, jen, michelle & CLML
suckers!

here they are

i guess the two on the left are the "expanding" blasts & the one on the right is just a "blast"

hmmm- i wonder why my pic are always so crappy- most girl's embryo pics are super clear- not fair!!! ahhh well. fingers are crossed and prayers are being said. all we can do is wait.

FET#2

i had a dream last night that i was pregnant. my beta was 150. i started crying (weird, crazy lady crying) and i was sooo happy. then i woke up- hmmm. ah well, it was nice!

today is FET#2- we are transferring 3 embryos (yes, 3! after much talking with our RE- we've insisted on 3- no more dicking around buddy!!!)

my transfer is at 1:10 this afternoon- so i will get to the office at 12:10 & start filling my bladder- awesome!!! then i'll come home, eat KFC (they now have the original crispy recipe in boneless *gasp*) & chillax on the couch. then it's back to work tomorrow!

i really pray this works- i'm trying to be very positive!!! plus, all the recent BFP's on TTC6+ & TTTC have made me hopefull! (congrats to everyone!!!) so yeah- please God!!!

hmmm- in other news, cessna is still in a cast- she sucks, and won't stop running around so it has to be on longer and we have to "keep her from running"- um, are you kidding me? i'd have

better luck getting pregnant on my own- stupid vet.

please excuse my boobs & brandon's face- i'm pretty sure the 49ers were losing- haha.

so i walked in on the cats in this compromising position...hmmm- weirdos. max doesn't approve.

and this is what the kids did while daddy watched football- ugh- sooo boring!!

and that's all for now- i have a bunch of pics from weddings we went to this summer, and Purple Door that i'll upload later- for now, i'm off. ciao

FET#2 update

bw & us today:
E2= 323
Lining= 13.9
Progesterone= start tonight
ET= 09/08/08

i also have a 31mm cyst on my right ovary- i've never had one before so i questioned it but the nurse said they are going through with the transfer because it seems to be resolving itself- which i good. i hope they're right & that is doesn't "interfere" if that's even possible. blargh.

i'm not feeling very hopeful about this FET- i know, i suck. i should feel blessed and happy to be able to have this opportunity because so many women don't- but whatever. i don't feel blessed and happy- i feel sick & tired. and negative- very, very negative. i'm going to try to be positive, i'm going to pray for my embryos and beg God to let them stick- but i'm not going to hold my breath. but on tranfer day my fingers will be crossed that the 3rd times a charm. indeed they will be.

that's it for now- i'll update about the crazy adkins/t.bird GoG GtG later. it was...good times!