15dp5dt

so- i was pretty stoked because my spotting & cramping had pretty much gone away by thursday or so- it was very comforting. then, of course, i cramped up allll day yesterday & the spotting resumed (verrrry lightly) but still there. also this morning- more spotting (brown)- ugh.

i know that cramping & spotting can be normal- but it's still nerve wracking!! i don't feel pregnant at all (m/s, sore boobs or anything like that)- i mean, i'm crampy, gassy, hungry, tired, a little bloated but that's all my usual period like symptoms as well- so no reassurance there. there is also the p4 to take into account- it can give you all of those symptoms- which is worries me because i feel like the p4 is just "holding" everything up there, you know?

i was trying very hard to be postive & start planning ahead, but it's a constant struggle.
also- we were sitting on the couch yesterday & out of the blue the husband says:
"thursday is so far away!"
and he's RIGHT! i can't even believe i have to wait that long for #'s- ugh. it's cruel.

but yeah- i just wanted to update. i'm thankful for all the reassurance i've had from everyone up until this point- it definately helps! but still- i think it's natural to worry, worry, worry!

i don't know why we can't just be pregnant & be done with it. why must this be so hard!?

ok- i should work. 4 days of work until i get my results- GOSH!

10dp5dt- Beta day!

so i made my way through the sleet & snow to the lab this morning & the lovely labotomist (or whatever) took my blood & sent me on my way with good luck wishes.

so now i wait...in agony.

i'm still spotting (brown) but i had some red yesterday that worried me- but i took another test @ 5:30ish in the p.m. with very dilluted urine & it was even darker than yesterday morning's- sooo yeah. i know that doesn't really mean much- but still.

ugh- i'm going to make myself sick with all this impatience. yar!

thank you for all you prayers, good luck wishes & etc!!! they mean the world.

7dp5dt

*UPDATE* yeah- red bleeeeding. lovely.
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pink "spotting" at 7dp5dt

basically i woke up- took my temp- it beeped way too quickly & gave me a temp of 97.93 (which sucks)- so i took it again immediately & got a temp of 98.20 (which is much better)

i logged that temp- went to the bathroom & took a look @ the progesterone mess in my underwear & noticed that it was pink....ugh. i peed- wiped & more pink (not brown or red- pink) i flushed & had myself a good cry & a half because my life is obviously over- right? ha.

anyway- after contemplating my spotting & cramps, i made myself insert another progesterone tablet even though i just want to quit right now. i googled the crap out of pink spotting @ 7dp5dt & got a little hope...but still.

i also got a BFN yesterday at 6dp5dt but i googled that too & got some hope then- but i also wasn't spotting yesterday- so whatevs.

i want to say thank you to everyone who continues to read this & give me encouragement. it means alot. i'd like to end this love-fest with a fabulous BFP but...we'll see.

well what do you know?

BFP!? yeah- crazy huh? as soon as i saw these lines pop up i started bawling- unfortunately they weren't tears of joy as one might think- ugh, here's the story:

my BETA after my FET was on 09/19 and it was negative (it was a 4- but yeah)
so i was ok with that, my period came & went & i moved on. then this past weekend i started bleeding & cramping & etc (see below entries) so i finally called the RE & went in for bloodwork & an ultrasound.
well they called & told me that my BETA is 364!!! what?! how?! so i drive back to Lexington & the dr asked a bunch of questions to try & rule out an ectopic. honestly though, they're not sure yet what's going on. it's too early to see anything so we'll just have to wait & see.
most likely this is a non-viable pregnancy (m/c) & it'll either pass on it's own or i'll need a little help (in the way of a shot or two)

aaaaaaah! so yeah- i don't even know. i'm trying not to focus on this- something i've wanted so bad & for so long is in my grasp & i'm not going to be able to keep it. it's not fair- that about sums it up.

anyway- i was lying on the bed, holding the FRE, sobbing & feeling sorry for myself when i saw a little paw shoot out- i had to laugh. gary was attacking the pee stick with a fury. it was hilarious. i got some pictures & started laughing histarically...and then started crying again. ugh- SO UNFAIR!!!! i want to ask God why? but i hate to question Him- He knows what He's doing & He has a plan for me- hopefully it includes a little bird :)



anyway- i'll keep everyone updated & we'll see where this all goes. i hate waiting- ugh.
wow- 2 lines on a stick- i really can't get over it. ::le sigh::

6dpfet #2

*update*

well i'm about 99% positive that FET#2 is a BFN- my beta isn't for another week but i'm already spotting like it's my job and i have super AF cramps. i know for alot of women this can be a good thing, but i know my body and i know i'm not pregnant.

i'm not going to take my estrace or progesterone anymore- it's stupid. i've never had a problem with any of my E2 or progesterone levels anyway so even if i was pregnant & i stopped them, i don't see that resulting in anything "bad" blah. last time, withing 2 days of stopping i have AF full on- so yeah. we'll see what happens this time. if it comes then i'm calling my RE's nurse and i'm getting my pointless beta done earlier- this is lame- this waiting crap.

we'll see what my temp does tomorrow- if it's low then i'll know that it was the progesterone that was keeping it up. blargh.

hmmm- the husband is more upset than i am. i mean, i am upset, this totally sucks, but i don't have super high hopes to begin with...he does. so every time it doesn't work he's pretty bummed. i feel bad.

i wonder what my RE will say at our wtf?! appt...? hmmm- he'd better have some answers for us.
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well i'm 6dpfet (6 days past fet) and i don't know what to think. i've had cramping, and spotting but my temps are looking pretty good. but does that really mean anything? der.

i'm not going to test- it helps that i only have a digital in the house anyway, there is no way i'm peeing on $18 to get a nice, Not Pregnant. yeeeah. actually, even if i had a few $tree tests- i wouldn't test. i hate BFN's and since i'm not positive that this worked anyway, i'll just wait.

anyway- it's pouring out. and it's sunday. so that equals: my ass on the couch reading a book. sweet, right? well actually, the book that i purchased to read today, i read yesterday. so now i have no book :( so i guess i'll have to run out and get one- the problem with this is that Target has nothing that i haven't already read- so i'm gonna have to go to B&N and i don't feel like it. GOSH- my life is so rough. oooor- i might re-read the Chronicles Of Narnia. i love that series & i've been promising myself i would read it again. so i'll probably do that. word.

ummm- that's it. i'm gonna drag my infertile ass to the kitchen and get something to eat- my phantom fetus is starving. i'm eating for 2- der.

ciao

1dp FET

*UPDATE* so i just went to the bathroom & when i wiped there was bright red blood on the tp..hmmm- that doesn't seem normal.according to my chart: i'm technically about 9 dpo today (my chart states this, but when i had my US on the 3rd, there was a still a huge follicle & i hadn't ovulated yes- so i think i ovulated on the 4th or 5th so that would be me either 6 or 7 dpo- if i disacard the 3rd's temp then FF gives me dotted crosshairs for the 5th which makes more sense- who knows! http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ttc/index.php) & i usually start spotting around 10 dpo & FP shows up by 12 dpo. sometimes when i go to the bathroom i get red blood around 8-9 dpo- ugh. it would suck if this was over before it even started. *UPDATE*

so i noticed, this morning, that my liner was "speckled" with blood amongst all the progesterone crap that leaks out. also when i just went to the bathroom- there was a bit of reddish "cm" as well- again, it's mostly the suppositories leaking out- also when i wiped there was some reddish coloration on the tissue.

i'm assuming this is a result of the FET yesterday- it went pretty smoothly but there was a small issue with the catheter not wanting to do what it was supposed to- eventually it did (we saw it on the screen) and all was well- but brandon said he saw blood on the end of it when they pulled it out- the RE also pointed it out to the nurse and told ehr to take a look @ it- he assured us that it, in no way, had an affect on the FET itself. so since they were all "up in my shit" yesterday, i'm assuming that's the reason for the spotting today. sooo yeah- i'm also a little crampy too- hoping that these are all good signs.

i try not to get my hopes up. but we're feeling good about this cycle- we're really praying this is it!!! i'm also being reasonable & not getting my hopes up that high- we know it could go either way!

if this doesn't work i think our next step will be to take a look @ exactely what my tubes are "blocked" with- is it scar tissue or fluid? if it's fluid, is it leaking into my uterus & preventing implantation? (fluid leaks into the uterus are toxic to embryos) lovely! do i need another HSG or maybe a LAP (which my RE isn't "fond" of) ? who knows- here's hoping that i don't even have to worry about all of that!!!

anywho- i'm glad it's friday! i'm going out to the Olive Garden tonight with some friends & i'm just going to relax- i'd like to have a drink, but i probably shouldn't...ha!
ok- i gotta go "work" -ciao!