it's everywhere- like a disease

i found out last week that 2 women i work with are pregnant. one, has an almost 2 year old & the other has a 15 year old. the latter also still smokes, drinks, lives on coffee, eats like crap & etc etc. no fair. at all.

then this morning i had to get my teeth cleaned- well i got there early & waited in the parking lot for the office to open, so i get to watch everyone walk in. lo & behold, my usual hygenist drives in, gets out & is quite obviously pregnant. i hate the dentist as it is, but this just put me over the top. thankfully, one of the other hygenists cleaned my teeth this morning. one of the obviously not pregnant ones. i mean, she's older & has kids, but at least she's not knocked up right now.

and then i get to work & the annoying girl who just got back from maternity leave, is talking to my other cw (who has a 16 month old) about all things baby- and how her friends are KU & how she went shopping for baby stuff this weekend & how much she loves babies and baby things & being a mother. and where are they having this conversations? why, right behind my desk of course! could there be a more appropriate place? nooo, of course not.

and lastly, a few of the nest ladies all found out that they were pregnant this past week/end. some of these BFP's resulted from an FET or IVF or a very natural cycle. while i'm happy for each of them, i still kills me. it doesn't matter that they may or may not have struggled as much as i have, it's still hard to digest the news & i'm insanely jealous. anyone who is still struggling to get pregnant and says that it's not hard, or that they're not envious as well, is a liar. just because you're happy for someone doesn't make you immune to anger or jealousy. i hate that this is what i've become but i don't know what to do. i pray that God will take these feeling away and i try & focus on everything that i do have- but it doesn't help. there is always a reminder of the one thing that we want that we cannot have.

lol twilight

so i have this sick obsession with a 17 year old vampire named, Edward- wtf?! i love him- i love it- i love it ALL!
there is something else i love- it's called "spoofs" & "funnies"- so thanks to a lovely fellow nestie- i have several to share with you. be warned- you will die laughing:
LOL!
LOL AGAIN!

(New Moon)
http://community.livejournal.com/lion_lamb/1651773.html

LOL! i almost peed my pants!
and last- but not least: http://www.screeninglog.com/journal/2008/9/15/funny-twilight-trailer-spoof-hits.html

SERIOUSLY!!! i'm dying over here. oh man- i need to get a life.

8dpfet = CD1

FET#2 = big f-ing no
oh.my.God. periods after treatment cycles are THE WORST! i feel like my uterus is falling out.

oh, and also, i'm over the whole bummed out, i'm so sad this isn't working thing- now, i'm just PISSED! FURIOUS! this is UNACCEPTABLE! there is NO reason that all 3 of the "finest IF treatments that money can buy" have FAILED! this is WICKED LAME! it's not FAIR! why do some women get 2 babies, even 3 babies, and i can't even have !?! ugh. i'm so done.

i called and demanded that they move my BETA up to 09/19 (fri) instead of making me wait till 09/22 (mon)- hell, i'll be done my period by friday- so why the frick do i have to go in anyways?!
losers- oh, and my wtf?! appt is scheduled for Oct 6th @ 1:30pm. you better believe i'm gonna go in there and demand answers & more testing!!!

ugh- lame. whatever. i'm done. i'm just gonna focus on working out and getting super skinny again (lol @ again- i've never been super skinny) so i can be hot and stuff. word.

7dpfet

umm- nothing new. anyway.

i heard two things today that got to me in totally different ways:

1. my former boss (he used to be my boss at my current job but he got a new job about a year ago) and his wife had IF- they tried to get pregnant for a little over a year & finally had to do IUI- well it was weird because i actually ran into them at my RE's office, and my & my boss (at the time) were both like..."heeey...yeah"
anyway- moving on, him & his wife got pregnant with their first IUI- when he told me i was happy for them, but super jealous because my own IVF#1 had just failed.
well i just found out today, from another woman i work with, that they were pregnant with twin girls and that they just lost them last week at 23 weeks. i'm so heartbroken for them- i can't even imagine what they're going through.
i'm going to send them a card- but i really don't know what to say. what do you say to parents that have lost their children? what do you say.

2. my other former boss (she was the "head honcho" when i first started but then she demoted herself to spend more time with her new baby who is almost 2 now) is pregnant with her second & she's due in march. i'm so jealous- she gets pregnant really easily & i just knew she was planning on it soon- ugh. she's really nice & all but it's gonna be hard to see her waddling around

poo- what a day.

6dpfet #2

*update*

well i'm about 99% positive that FET#2 is a BFN- my beta isn't for another week but i'm already spotting like it's my job and i have super AF cramps. i know for alot of women this can be a good thing, but i know my body and i know i'm not pregnant.

i'm not going to take my estrace or progesterone anymore- it's stupid. i've never had a problem with any of my E2 or progesterone levels anyway so even if i was pregnant & i stopped them, i don't see that resulting in anything "bad" blah. last time, withing 2 days of stopping i have AF full on- so yeah. we'll see what happens this time. if it comes then i'm calling my RE's nurse and i'm getting my pointless beta done earlier- this is lame- this waiting crap.

we'll see what my temp does tomorrow- if it's low then i'll know that it was the progesterone that was keeping it up. blargh.

hmmm- the husband is more upset than i am. i mean, i am upset, this totally sucks, but i don't have super high hopes to begin with...he does. so every time it doesn't work he's pretty bummed. i feel bad.

i wonder what my RE will say at our wtf?! appt...? hmmm- he'd better have some answers for us.
_________________________________________________________________

well i'm 6dpfet (6 days past fet) and i don't know what to think. i've had cramping, and spotting but my temps are looking pretty good. but does that really mean anything? der.

i'm not going to test- it helps that i only have a digital in the house anyway, there is no way i'm peeing on $18 to get a nice, Not Pregnant. yeeeah. actually, even if i had a few $tree tests- i wouldn't test. i hate BFN's and since i'm not positive that this worked anyway, i'll just wait.

anyway- it's pouring out. and it's sunday. so that equals: my ass on the couch reading a book. sweet, right? well actually, the book that i purchased to read today, i read yesterday. so now i have no book :( so i guess i'll have to run out and get one- the problem with this is that Target has nothing that i haven't already read- so i'm gonna have to go to B&N and i don't feel like it. GOSH- my life is so rough. oooor- i might re-read the Chronicles Of Narnia. i love that series & i've been promising myself i would read it again. so i'll probably do that. word.

ummm- that's it. i'm gonna drag my infertile ass to the kitchen and get something to eat- my phantom fetus is starving. i'm eating for 2- der.

ciao

4dpfet

well i'm not really feeling anything except my period on it's way- so that's super lame. i'm trying to stay hopeful but i have cramps, spotting yesterday & my temps have been low the past two mornings. so i don't know. we'll see i guess.

anyway- i got home yesterday and stupid cessna had ripped her cast off AGAIN! this is the second time THIS week!! i was SO pissed!!! so i had to drive all the way to chelmsford AGAIN and shell out another $20 for a new cast. at least the guy vet was on this time and his casts are like...awesome. the last 2 were put on by one of the lady vets and she's a bit more wussy. the last time the guy vet put it on, cessna couldn't get it off. so i'm glad. i sprayed the shit out of it with that bitter apple stuff this morning and i swear if she gets it off today i'll probably lose my mind.

max also had to get his bum expressed because it smelled bad so that was another $20. God- animals!!! i think they cost more than children, at least mine do. well, only 2 more weeks and supposedly the cast can come off- so we'll see.

umm- that's about it. um- here are a few lol's that make me lol.

lol- i freaking love cats. i'm coo coo for cats!

9/11

don't forget.