it's a good thing we have so much girl stuff...

because i'll need to sell some of it to fund the purchase of suspenders, cardigans & Tonka trucks:

oh my. i "knew" it was a boy, but now i know it's a boy- you know?

i have brothers & a nephew, but i'll be honest- i don't know the first thing about little boys. but i really hope they like wearing princess dresses, because we have a lot of those.

boy oh boy. we're pretty stoked. pumped. psyched. anxious....& accepting the fact that in the future my toilet cleaning duties will double.

but for now we're just... ::squee:: !!!
& we're also eating cupcakes. many, many cupcakes.

snails vs trains

then: 18 weeks & 6 days

now: 20 weeks & 5 days

at first, pregnancy seems to crawl along at a snail's pace. 

- it usually starts with a hunch: "weird, i usually like toast & eggs so why does the very though of eating them horrify me..?"

- or sometimes it starts with a lightbulb moment: "i think i'll wear my favorite white pants today because they look fabulous on me! but wait, it's thursday...shouldn't i be playing it safe with black pants because my peri...omg! when is the last time i got my period?! omg!" ::frantic searching through bathroom drawers for a pregnancy test:: "oh shit, what does 2 lines mean again?!?!?!"  

- & then again, maybe you're a hardcore charter + symptom analyzer: "dude, i ovulated 12 days ago, i'm hot flashing like my mom & i want to eat all the foods. shit just got real."

regardless of how your condition came to light, to the light it came & with it all time slowed. no longer are there only 24 hours in a day, there are 300 YEARS IN A DAY! no longer is, "ok, we'll see you in 2 weeks for your appointment!" an acceptable response- no, "YOU'LL SEE ME RIGHT NOW AT MY HOUSE & BRING A PHYSIC!" 

4 weeks. nail biting, toilet paper inspecting, every twinge questioning.
5 weeks. rinse & repeat.
6 weeks. & again.
7 weeks. ok...it's almost safe. only 6 more weeks till my 2nd trimester....
8, 9, 10 weeks. oh my GAWD. i don't want to tell yet, but i clearly look like cookies are my favorite...
11, 12 weeks. when does this madness end?!
13 weeks. ::breath:: ok- we're good. hell yeah. "guess what world? i make humans. boom."

does that sound about right? maybe not, maybe you were chill & accepting from the get go & completely unaffected by the sudden crazy vortex that can settle on a woman after seeing 2 pink lines on a white stick.
if so, you should probably write a book full of your secrets because it's going to make you rich.

but, if you're anything like me, the above describes you pretty well. & i don't think there is anything wrong with that. we all want to be "safe". we all want our babies to be "safe". we all want the same thing, to be told that everything is ok & hold proof of that in our arms 9 months later. simple.

so waiting for that first appointment seems like forever. & waiting to see that beautiful heartbeat seems like an eternity. & waiting to get awesome blood results back & too see your body changing & to feel those flutters & then kicks & then watch your belly come out of nowhere- yeah, 300 years in a day people.

but then it's almost like a switch is thrown & all of a sudden you're on a train. a slow & pokey train that is quickly picking up speed & all of a sudden you can no longer make out single rocks & trees because everything is a blur.
this train is going really fast. & realistically you know that it's still going to take a while to get to your destination, but you feel like your final stop is going to be here before you know it & you haven't even started gathering your things.

i think that switch comes at a different time for every woman, but right now i just realized i'm 1/2 way there & i feel like i left the station yesterday. i haven't taken a nap or read my book or even opened my snacks.

ok that's a lie, i totally opened my snacks, ate them all & then cursed myself for not bringing more. but the other stuff, yeah- haven't done that yet.

so yes, for me the snail's pace has ended & i've switched over to warp speed. or hyper drive. or if we want to keep it in the animal family, i'm now riding a cheetah. or a unicorn (because i'm assuming unicorns are even faster than cheetahs).

i also think this switch has come a little bit earlier with each pregnancy. i'm sure my outside children have something to do with it. whatever it is, shit gets real overnight & the husband's "to do" list gets really long & thank God football season is over because "ain't no one got time for that."

however, i'm trying to take a step back & enjoy at the same time. yes, i'm incredibly eager to birth this baby & hold him/her. to count fingers, inspect ears & a nose & watch him/her blend seamlessly into the fabric of our family.
but whoa now, i also want to sit back & remember to appreciate the snail & it's pace. to enjoy the now. to really cherish this little bit of time i have left with just my 2 littles. to watch my belly grow & really marvel at what our bodies can do (because seriously?! it's insane). to watch winter turn to spring (ok i'll be honest, i want that to come faster) & spring to summer. to enjoy 1 more Easter, 1 more Mother's Day & 1 more Father's Day just as we are. to easily hold 2 little hands. to say, "4 tickets please!" a few more times. to just be.

that's my goal, because holy crap- 20 weeks & 5 days pregnant? yes, already.

how loud is your voice?

most of the time sometimes my beautiful children infuriate me. & the husband.
both of us- enraged, one 3 year old- defiant & one 2 year old- destroying all the things.
it's a recipe for disaster.

i'm a "omg are you freaking serious right now, what the heck, why are you, didn't i say, omg omg omg, just stop it right now!!?!!?!" kind of person. my voice starts off low, steady & reasoning & then it climbs & i reach a pretty impressive octave that lies somewhere between a soprano & a 1/2 screech.

the husband is a "ENOUGH!!!!" kind of guy where it starts & ends with yelling. man yelling- pure & simple.

i've pretty much been under the assumption that my "yelling" is way less worse than his. like the other night, when alex wouldn't go to sleep to save her life. the husband was trying to reason but alex was having none of it. so yelling ensued. storming up the stairs ensued & "omg what is her problem!?" questions ensued.

i was dealing with 2 very tired individuals. one had worked for 12 hours straight & still needed to go outside & shovel. the other has given up naps but still expends enough energy throughout the day to warrant one.

Lord help me. so i trekked downstairs & asked alex what was wrong. she got all sniffly & exclaimed, "i'm sad because daddy is mad at me!" oh my. so i tried to explain that he wasn't mad, he was just tired & frustrated & she really needed to go to sleep so we could wake up & have fun & yadda yadda.

nope. not working. so i went upstairs & shook my finger at the husband, "YOU need to go downstairs & explain to your daughter that you ARE NOT mad at her! she's very upset! stop yelling so much!!! A POX ON YOU!!!"

he sighed, went downstairs & legit 5 minutes later all was well. i went back down to a beaming 3 year old who informed me that she liked daddy more than me (side-eye) & then headed back upstairs to a weary 33 year old who had moved on from the whole incident & was cursing the weather gods.

but i wasn't over it, oh no. i layed in. HE needed to stop yelling! HE needed to realize that yelling doesn't help! HE needed to understand that HIM yelling & me "raising my voice" are 2 VERY different things.

me: "YOU NEED TO STOP YELLING!"
him: "...you yell too you know."
me: "HARDLY! i just, like, raise my voice a little!"
him: "yeah, that's called yelling."

touche husband. touche.

the conversation ended with a laugh & a quick discussion that we need to yell less & talk more. ok cool.
but quite a few conversations have ended that way, & yet we still yell. BOTH of us. & while his yelling might be louder & more scary- my yelling is no better.

sometimes after i "raise my voice a little" brynn says, "mommy, you not mad!"
well, clearly i am kid.
but i really don't want to be. i want to yell less. i want the husband to yell less. i want our home to be a bit more peaceful.

so now, how? how do we move from the yelling that we are so accustomed to, to something else. because it's freaking hard. i've tried the, "well i'm just not going to yell. so there." approach & i think it lasted all of 1 day before i caved.

seriously guys- i'm lost. help me. what are your tips & tricks for a yell free home life?

i mean, i do think yelling has it's place. like, when your kid is about to run into danger or when you just need to be heard above ALL THE NOISE! but i feel like our (my house) fuses are super short at times & the yelling that goes on isn't warranted. so a different approach is needed.

& i'm serious about it this time. because, unless it's the fun kind of yelling that goes along with this:

i'm tired of it, you know?

i managed to put on (clean) clothes

so far this week i've managed to put together, & wear, 3 outfits.

in case you don't know what an outfit is (because i didn't- i had to google it), it's articles of real clothing (ie: not dirty jeans & twice worn Target t-shirts, socks with holes & your trusty fleece jacket) that you put actual thought into before adoring your birthday suit with them. they tend to be things that match, or at least compliment each other in some resemblance of fashion from this decade.

sounds exhausting, right? i agree. in fact, the amount of energy i've put into this (for 3 whole days) gives me a whole new respect for the large handful of fashionable mom bloggers that i follow (ie: dress vicariously though). it very well may come easy to them- but i cannot claim the same dressing ease. oh no. no i cannot.

but i digress. i'm on this photo board & one of the ladies on said photo board has challenged herself to wearing 30 outfits in 30 days. that means 30 outfits made out of 30 different articles of clothing. as in, she can't wear the same thing twice. as in, she has to make a conscious effort to get dressed every day.
when she said she was doing this i laughed in my head. then i got concerned because i actually thought she might be crazy- i made a mental note to speak with her & gently suggest therapy...or meds.

i kid. i actually just though, "huh, that sounds cool but REALLY exhausting & i'm currently wearing crotch ripped jeans & a t-shirt with armpit stains...." yes, i'm pretty sure i was wearing exactly that. & no socks. in 13 degree weather. why? because i had no clean matching socks. don't judge my life.

any.way. this week (on tuesday, because mondays really are soul sucking) i decided to try my hand at her challenge. sort of. there is NO way i can come up with 30 different outfits. because, frankly, i don't have that many clothes. that fit. or that are socially acceptable to wear in 2013...but i can at least attempt to make myself look presentable a few times per week. or maybe even for a whole week...reach for the stars, right?

so far, here's what i've come up with:

tuesday

wednesday

thursday

(instagram: @lookatthebirds)

ta da!

i don't expect anyone to come banging down my door & asking where i acquired certain articles of clothing because none of these pieces are revolutionary- but chances are, most of them can be found at Target & small expensive boutiques. JOKES. just Target...& maybe....yeah, Target. 

i think the most challenging thing will be dressing a growing belly while owning zero maternity clothing. that's right- zero. i did it with brynn (& by did it i mean got by wearing dresses, shorts & yoga pants) but i was pregnant all spring/summer & fall. so it was warm. right now, it's effing cold. i believe the saying is, "colder than a witch's tit." 

that's actually pretty crass. sorry. 

it's just cold. so i'm forced to wear pants (unbuttoned & attached with a hair band) & long sleeves. i actually think i'll be ok if i can find longer shirts- because i'm pretty sure i've flashed more than my fair share of people with my unzipped pants look. sorry fellow Target shoppers. 

(i did buy a pair of maternity jeans at the Gap- but they looked weird on me- so i'm taking them back. they were weirdly loose & not at all "totally skinny" as they stated on the label. liars. actually- if anyone can suggest some awesome (reasonably priced) maternity jeans that are ACTUALLY skinny & come in sizes made for really short people, i'd be pumped.)

...the other challenging thing? craving & eating all of this:

yeah- i really like cake.

moderation, when? eat a salad, who? i've gained how much weight, what? i have to stop eating cake, why?

hmmm. ok. so that's my new goal. getting dressed. i actually feel like my goals should be a bit more lofty, like having more patience, making healthier dinners & possibly mopping my floors more than once a month- but you have to start somewhere- am i right?

let me end this on a few random notes. 

- i got my yearly haircut today (you laugh, but it's the sad truth. a $16 wash & cut from Hair Cuttery is my jam) & the lady cutting my hair looked at me and said, "you know, we offer eyebrow waxing too..." hint hint. NINJA CHOP YOUR MOUTH!

- we're expecting around 2+ feet of snow this fri/sat. i'm not amused.

- this little guy (or gal) has been visiting our porch all week:

all your trash is belongs to me.

brynn called it a "little mouse"- how precious.